chapped lips and all... (INACTIVE)

adieu.

2010-06-08T13:08:00.002-04:00

i feel that this blog has arrived at it's natural conclusion. just over 7 months, not too bad a run :) this isn't a teary goodbye... this is just one of those things - a relationship that has run it's course between me and this little nook i've created.

to all of you who have read and followed and commented - a massive thank you!

my blogging life is in no way over - i'm quite sure i'll be back at some point with a new blog, new perspectives, new experiences, and good new things to put out into the blogosphere.

until then, i will no doubt be lurking in the background, continuing to visit your wonderful blogs, commenting here and there and generally just staying plugged in but a little under the radar until my next blogging adventure emerges.

i will likely leave chapped lips and all... up for a little while, i see no reason to delete it at the moment.

happy blogging to all! i'll see you when i see you... :)

xox Shelley.

in the moment.

2010-06-03T09:13:00.004-04:00

it is june.

i am working at the tea room today.

it's going to thunderstorm.

here are some pretty pictures.

1. vacuum, 2. En su corazón llueve a todas horas, 3. Eiffel Tower -manipulation, 4. Infinite recreation, 5. memory, 6. Untitled, 7. Rainy, 8. Untitled, 9. :)

i could watch my cat drink from the tap all day.

away i go...

still breathing... :)

2010-06-01T09:29:00.003-04:00

Why do ppl see things
Originally uploaded by AFnan Sulaiman ..❤

hi! yes! i am here, lurking in the shadows... because it's too effin' hot in the sun these days. seriously... it had to be a record-breaking May in terms of scorching temperatures. now here we are on the first day of June and it seems there is no sign of cooling off in the near future. the weatherman is predicting thunderstorms today, but said event has been in the forecast for several days now.

as if i'm blogging about the weather... do i really have nothing more interesting to say?

on the visual inspiration front, the answer is kind of no... but it isn't due to a mood or anything like that. i'm focusing on some other stuff at the moment. like getting ready to go back to school.

i decided to stop talking about it and actually do it - and last week i received my admission package to Seneca College! of course now they want money, and i'm in the process of applying for student loans... sigh... again... here's hoping i didn't reach some sort of cap back in my career-student days!

and while it sounds like i'm moaning about becoming a student again, it couldn't be further from the truth. i went to visit the campus for the first time yesterday, and i felt like i was home. just walking around the grounds made me not only nostalgic for my old university and college days, but it made me feel connected to something much greater than myself, and filled me with hope and the buzz of anticipation.

isn't it sort of funny where you find yourself? i mean... think back to yourself 10-15 years ago. are you now where you thought you would be? were you standing at a fork in a gravelly road, pondering outcomes? did you have an idea about doing something, pursuing some path, only to abandon it in favour of another direction, only to find yourself having converged back on that same old path... only this time the way is paved?

i think i have mentioned before about having been accepted to (a different) college in the same program i'm going into now, but having to withdraw due to financial restrictions. but even before that, when i was considering going back to school the first time, i had seriously considered doing the Media and Communications program at York University here in Toronto.

and yesterday, there i was on the York U campus, feeling this wonderful excitement. okay... confused? yes, i'm going to Seneca, not York. Seneca has a number of campuses across the city, and the one that houses the department of Communications and my particular program, just happens to be the Seneca@York campus - the two schools have a number of collaborative degree programs. the Technical Writing program is not collaborative with York, it just resides on the York campus. it just seems sort of... i don't know... significant. you know... not going to York to study Communications in 1998 and then not studying Technical Writing at Fanshawe in 2001, and now all these years later finding myself preparing to study Technical Writing at Seneca@York.

of course, it could all just be a coincidence.

lost without LOST?

2010-05-26T10:13:00.008-04:00

i was wiffle-waffling about whether or not i was going to blog about the LOST finale. anyone who reads this must think i'm an absolute TV-aholic. and i suppose that yes, i have been known to become infatuated (read: completely obsessed) with a tv show or two. but i'm being honest when i say that i'm not the kind of person who sits in front of the tube all day, channel surfing or catching up on the latest episode of every tv show that ever existed. okay maybe there was a time when i did that, but those days are gone.

having said that, every now and then a show comes a long that i plug into and end up falling for its characters, thus following it to its conclusion.

and you know what? to begin with, LOST wasn't one of them.

i remember watching the pilot episode... a lot of buzz was building up about it, that it was going to be a monumental event that would change the face of TV-Land. i was actually in Sydney, Australia at the time, and i was going to be flying home in a few months. and that pilot episode of LOST did nothing for me. i didn't like any of the characters, and the whole thing seemed really preposterous. i'm pretty good at willingly suspending my disbelief for a good story or amazing characters, and it didn't happen with LOST's first episode, so i abandoned ship pretty much immediately.

but then, just about everyone else i knew stuck with it, and for the next 5 years, i had to continually defend my opinion of LOST being a ridiculous piece of television drivel. problem was, that people i think are smart LOVED it. so my exposure to LOST continued, much to my chagrin.

i would never call anyone i respect "dumb" for liking a show or a band or movie just because i don't like it (it has happened to me!). when i met my boyfriend and discovered that in fact, he was another one of these smart and awesome people who liked LOST, i was cool with it as long as he didn't overexpose me to it.

LOL.

i moved in with him, and the LOST marathon began. see, we don't have cable, so we download whatever tv shows we're into. and The Boy had 5 seasons of LOST to catch me up on, if it was ever going to work out between us (i kid, i kid! but he was unrelenting in his insistence upon explaining his LOST theories to me and extolling the wonders of the manipulative character Benjamin Linus). in response, i liked to remind him that the writers had admitted to having difficulty telling the story's uber-complicated plot, a sign of poor writing.

in the course of my reluctant exposure to the show, something happened... i started to care about the characters. not all of them, of course. i had to admit there was something compelling about Ben Linus. and i was sympathetic to Charlie, and to Claire, and of course Hurley. and even though Sawyer bugged the shit out of me, i was drawn to that character as well (although it might just be that his dimples have a gravity of their own). i loved it whenever the crazy French lady Rousseau intervened, and seeing Locke's life unfold. and then Desmond... and then later on, the science team - Daniel, Charlotte and Myles. by the end of season 5, i even started to like Jack and Kate (i know, right?!?!) i could go on...

having arrived so late to the party, i'm feeling a little lost myself, now that it's over. the finale wasn't awesome. making the excuse that it was supposed to ask questions rather than answer them is still a sign of misguided storytelling and poor plot construction, in my opinion. but i can't argue with the fact that the writers' success was in creating compelling characters, and i am sad to see them go.

thus, in honour of a show that did get me thinking and asking questions about life, fate, relationships and coincidence, here are some really cool LOST posters. admittedly, this is reposted from Ms. Arscott - sometimes things are too good not to repost :)

there are tons more of these... click here for a selection which include some of the above, or you can do what i did afterwards and google "lost posters" - there are some really fantastic ones out there and i couldn't post them all!

what were your thoughts on the show and it's finale?

saturday sketch: selfie

2010-05-23T17:45:00.002-04:00

so colour week sort of got away from me, unfortunately. i ended up getting called into work to cover for my coworker, whose daughter had her baby! i'm not complaining, really - i'll take whatever shifts come my way. it did mean that by the time i got home i was too exhausted get shooting... and the thought of browsing through folders on my computer in search of pre-existing colour shots made my head spin.

thankfully, i was allowed to leave work early today due to a slow day in the tea room, which left me time enough to do a sunday sketch! here is the sketch in progress:

i've been thinking a lot about the trip that my boy and i will be taking to Montreal in July - and trying to plan outfits. so the sketch is kind of a self-portrait, in a sense... that is my favourite denim skirt, and my favourite turquoise suede mary-janes... and a top that doesn't actually exist in my current wardrobe (i have a similar one in green and white, but for some reason i've decided i love red and burgundy together at the moment :))

to all the Canadians out there - happy May-Long/Two-Four/Victoria Day weekend! hope you are enjoying time with family and friends!

colour week: poyple thoysday

2010-05-20T17:36:00.004-04:00

so of course, because i love purple and because i was so looking forward to going out and getting loads of new purple shots, i get called into work.

i only have a couple of hours to kill before i head out to aikido, so i have breezed through my photo folders for purple and found these:

here's hoping i get an opportunity to shoot some GREEN for tomorrow's post!

colour week: yellorange wednesday

2010-05-19T16:47:00.004-04:00

haha, see what i did there? yellorange. i would like to believe i'm the first person whoever came up with this but i'm sure that someone, somewhere has thought of it. whoever you are, i salute you!

today's theme of yellows and oranges was sort of a tough one for me. i tend to associate these colours with the commercial sphere, and there is not much about either colour that grabs me. in fact, i think i've sort of brainwashed myself to ignore yellow and orange, because of the association with advertising.

i really had to take my blinders off and LOOK for yellows and oranges that captured my attention in a lovely way.

flying saucer!

retro decor mashup

my boyfriend has a thing for Mexican hats...

we both have a thing for Guinness
(also... look! its advertising, but i'm okay with this one for obvious reasons :))

fleur jaune

a less than inspiring shot of some OJ

this little tyke hangs out in the neighbour's front yard

tomorrow will be much easier for me: PURPLES! i live for purple. my very existence depends on the presence of multitudes of purple in my life, i swear to whatever deity gets you through the day.

colour week: tuesday blues

2010-05-18T16:36:00.005-04:00

i didn't get much of a chance to get out of the house today, so i looked for beautiful blues within the walls of my abode :)

from the china trove in the basement

i bought these amazing vintage flats in Sydney 5 years ago. you can have your ruby slippers, mine are sapphire :)

a charming teacup

a sparkling bauble

i made this in my stained glass lessons years ago

my blue-eyed boy, love love love :)

and a dress i bought for an Australian wedding that i never got to wear... sigh.

there are some beautiful shots up on the colour week flickr group - stay tuned for a golden-toned wednesday!

colour week: it's a red/pink kind of monday

2010-05-17T18:21:00.004-04:00

i'm so glad i decided to participate in curious girl lisa's colour week challenge! this is just what i needed to get back into photography mode. i'm struggling with the (often painful) limitations of my camera, but with a little patience and perseverance in search of "the shot" i was able to pull off a few good ones... here is a selection of my favourites from today:

detail of one of the many murals in Islington Village, depicting the early 1900's

this lovely pink lady is in my backyard :)

Ukrainian Grandma = Ukrainian pottery everywhere

another pretty-in-pink belle in my backyard

i couldn't resist. The Boy and i have a really cluttered geek cabinet where our geek things intermingle. here, one spiderman offers another some words of wisdom while they keep watch over things from their posts on our Medieval Times souvenir cups :)

this old girl is clinging to her beauty for as long as she can

my favourite teacup is adorned in this really ornate pattern in a gorgeous raspberry colour. there is no matching saucer, but i like the way it looks atop the turquoise one:)

i have uploaded the rest to my flickr and submitted many of them to curious girl's colour week flickr group. i'll be back tomorrow with tuesday's blues!

sunday sketches: first official submission!

2010-05-16T08:20:00.003-04:00

i wasn't sure i was going to post this... it is not my best work, but then again - i need to stop focusing on always creating a masterpiece everytime i pick up a pencil. i do like how her lips turned out.

...and its a little early in the morning for a whole lot of commentary :) why am i posting this early?! i haven't even had my coffee yet. perc....perc...percolation...

as for my sunday - i'm on my third shift in a row at the tea room today. yesterday was the first time i could actually say it wasn't amazing - just a different sort of day then i've become accustomed to. because i typically work weekends, usually i'm preparing the afternoon tea, sweets and finger sandwiches plates which i'm now a master at! but yesterday everyone ordered from the menu, and because i haven't had much of an opportunity to learn menu prep, i got flustered and frustrated and couldn't get into my prep zone. hopefully i learned enough yesterday that if the same thing happens today i'll cruise through it more smoothly.

and you know what? i'm sure my blathering on about tea room kitchen prep is not exactly the most interesting of topics, so i'm gonna go grab that coffee and get a move-on.

hope your sunday is brilliant!

ps - like my new banner? i've been painting on fabric and it feels oh so good :)

she is me.

2010-05-13T13:01:00.002-04:00

greetings from planet Thursday!

this is just a quick blurb to say that i've been featured in an interview for the flickHERist photography blog :)

thanks Andrea and Kari! i'm honoured to be a part of the flickHERist world!

open heart surgery.

2010-05-12T11:41:00.008-04:00

lately i sort of don't know what to write about. i haven't been feeling super inspired. but it isn't due to depression this time. i wonder if this blog, in its current incarnation, has served its purpose. that's not to say that i feel like i'm done with blogging - no way! but i think i might be in kind of a blogging limbo.

i started this blog as a place where i could collect and display things that inspire me... images, art, music, film, people who create, and people who inspire me for other reasons. and it slowly evolved into a place where i run off at the keyboard about more personal matters.

sometimes i wonder if blogging is healthy... LOL, is that silly? they say that journaling is a healthy outlet. but back in my journaling days, when i would put pen to paper and really write, i noticed that i more often focused on my negative thoughts and melancholic emotions, rather than anything that made me happy. and then i thought that if anyone ever got a hold of those journals, they would indubitably think that my natural state is one of depression and panic and distress and anxiety and morose wistfulness. i began to fear that i'd be outed as an unhappy, dysfunctional person and couldn't bear the thought of that happening, so i destroyed them. i don't regret it.

(most of you don't know this but i've had two other blogs before this one... one of them - my first attempt at blogging - was really lame... i started it to collect "cool words". you know, words like mahogany and obsequious... words that roll off the tongue in wonderful ways. i stopped contributing to it a few months in. and the other one... well, without getting into detail, its primary focus was on the more dysfunctional aspects of my personality and i got sick of it and gave it up to begin the blog you are now reading).

and so with this blog, the point was to focus on the things that make me happy - but if you take a gander through my posts over the last couple of months, the tendency to discuss my unhappy thoughts has clearly taken the wheel. it sounds easy enough to say: so then just stop it. but it is easier said than done.

also, and i'm almost not sure i want to say this, but a lot of the blogs i read seem to be contributing to some of my pre-existing issues. okay let me rephrase that: i have a tendency to allow my insecurities to become magnified by comparing myself to others, and this tendency seems to be even more acute in the blogosphere (it is really easy to make up incredible, fantastical lives for people you've never met). it is not the fault of the bloggers; it is not the fault of the content. it is my own perspective that is to blame.

again... does it mean i want to stop reading blogs? hell, no. i have discovered way too much awesomeness in this realm to give it up, and i would miss so many of you.

so what is the solution?

a new direction is imminent. this does not mean i wish to cast aside things that are part of my very being... it means the addition of something new. it means not fighting the current. it means expanding my reach into the blogosphere to coincide with the expansion happening in my real life.

i may have to pare down my blog subscriptions in order to accommodate my expanding world. this will be difficult. i don't want to miss a thing... but i can't continue to let myself be only about one thing. i have to allow for multitudes.

and, i may not blog as often as i used to... i am officially declaring that i don't have to blog just because i have a blog. i want this to be a meaningful place - not one that is cluttered with trivialities. STOP - some triviality is necessary. i am looking for balance. the point is, i hereby give myself permission to blog when i feel like it, and i WILL NOT berate myself for missing a day or a week or more. from this point on, i am NOT a lazy blogger - i am a moderate, balanced, healthy blogger who means to post without pretense.

happy Wednesday to all! and yes... i took the photo of the tomato :)

happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T18:20:00.005-04:00

this is my Grandma as a young woman:

my Mom as a little girl, with her baby sister and brother:

and my beautiful Mom now, with her granddaughter (my niece):

happy happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! much love to you all... and to your moms too!

Friday Flickr Faves: The 'Roid Week Edition!

2010-05-07T19:43:00.003-04:00

'roid week has come to an end, and i have to say that overall i was rather impressed with the results! here is my final top 9 to cap off the week:

1. sail her, don't sink her, 2. In the afternoon sun, 3. Untitled, 4. dream concentrate, 5. dizzy, 6. Untitled, 7. Just socks will do...., 8. Untitled, 9. The Arabian Gulf, April 26th, 2010

what i have learned from this excessive polaroid ogling experience? mainly that i wish some benevolent benefactor would bestow upon me an unlimited supply of instant film. sigh.

having said that, i have located someone on craigslist who is willing to sell me his fuji instax 200 for $50. there is still the problem of instant film being expensive, but at least i can actually walk into a few local camera shops and purchase instax film and not have to shell out for shipping costs or stress about inflated ebay prices. so it seems a more affordable option until i make my millions and begin my polaroid film stockpile :)

what else... oh. my body HURTS. like, yesterday i was a little sore but pleased about it. today on the other hand... getting dressed caused me to wince and nearly collapse to the floor in pain. a nice hot bath helped some... but i'm glad that i'm taking a few days off from aikido to recover. back at it on Monday.

nothing crazy planned for the weekend - other than a shift at the tea room and hoping for a blast of full-on creativity, it looks to be a relaxed one.

tonight i'm just sitting here watching and listening to the thunderstorm as it rolls over.

happy friday!

'Roid Week Day 4: it's Thursday!

2010-05-06T17:23:00.003-04:00

well. whatever the deal was with yesterday, it is no longer the case. i was absolutely FLOORED by what i saw among todays 'roid week flickr submissions! if you haven't been to check out the group yet, please do - you won't be sorry! there are some really special images on there. it's amazing what people will come up with when they rise to a challenge :)

1. *, 2. TSQ, 3. Untitled, 4. Untitled, 5. The Handlebar Progress, 6. time has escaped me, 7. Almost as tall..., 8. Waves, 9. riot, 10. haunted tea time-, 11. Untitled, 12. ., 13. Thursday, 14. it's windy today, 15. Untitled, 16. Untitled

was supposed to go to the dojo again tonight for another aikido lesson (am officially an aikido student now, go my gi and everything!) but man are my quads sore... and i've got serious mat-burn on the tops of my feet (that'll teach me to start positioning my feet properly from now on!)... and i've got a bruised wrist and elbow. and i'm totally okay with it!

last night's class was great, a lot of great energy and i really felt that i was getting into the zone. i'm still trying to get a handle on the basics, but it will come in time with practice. i was really jazzed about going tonight, but The Boy (who is a chiropractor so i think i will listen to him) has suggested i take the night off and let my muscles repair. but i already sense a small difference in myself - a little bit of confidence creeping back into the fray. i am really excited about the prospect of not only building my skills and muscles, but my self-esteem as well!

*i think what i meant by the whole "stranger in the mirror" thing i was going on about yesterday is that i've always had certain tendencies, and i used to be able to kick my own ass into gear when things got prickly. i had fears, but i was intent on overcoming them. whereas recently, i have been letting my fears rule my life. there has been a lot of "i can't" going on in my head, and i don't remember ever feeling like this, at least not to this extent. i know i haven't always been this way, but i can't seem to find that person inside me who used to kick my own ass, and i'm wondering if she has disappeared completely, or if she's just hiding. granted, i wasn't perfect back then and i had some bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but the core of that person is who i want back.*

maybe it's just wednesday.

2010-05-05T18:17:00.004-04:00

hey-o.

so... the wednesday edition of my 'roid week flickr favourites... is unfortunately not all that earthshattering. i didn't discover a whole lot that got me excited today - but it really could be that i'm just impossible to please these days. it might be that i'm so overwhelmed by my own mediocrity that i'm having difficulty seeing the things that are truly wondrous and brilliant.

in any case, there were a few images that caught my attention - here they are:

1. Under my umbrella, 2. Riley, 3. a gray coated sky 2, 4. tree roid wk 10

now, what is going on in the life of shellbell you ask?

well... i tried aikido on Monday night with the boy. we did a trial class together and although i had no clue what i was doing, i had fun. the dojo we went to just happens to be a really informal, community sort of place and wasn't intimidating at all. we plan to go back tonight for a second trial to decide if we're going to join.

and i began my application for the Technical Communications graduate program at Seneca College. at the moment i'm just waiting for my credit card payments to clear so i can pay the application fees, and then it's just a matter of waiting to see if they admit me. after that, it's a matter of getting the funds together. if i'm admitted to the program i'll start in September. this going back to school thing seems really overdue, somehow - but i'm trying to maintain the belief that everything has unfolded the way it was supposed to, that it wasn't supposed to happen back in 2001, that now is the right time.

on the art front... i wouldn't say i've been super productive, but i've been cutting myself some slack. i drew a portrait the other day...

and today i worked on this other project that i'm shy about discussing. i think that in the near future my etsy shop will be going in a new direction, and hopefully i will find the belief in myself to really promote it and transform it into something special.

and now a question for you, dear readers... do you ever feel like you don't recognize yourself? that you've become someone else somehow... that you went to bed one night and then woke up the next morning and some strange entity has taken the wheel... that you remember so many things as if they happened yesterday, and yet the person you are at this moment in time feels so far removed from everything you ever were? does it mean you've changed forever? or is it possible to get the old "you" back?

Tuesday 'Roid Week Faves!

2010-05-04T19:41:00.003-04:00

not much to say today... just wanted to bring you my top Tuesday selections...

1. Untitled, 2. balanced, 3. Polarisian spirit Rainbow 2, 4. 'roid week 2010 - day 2, 5. Untouched., 6. olde new york, 7. Goldfish, 8. Roid Week 2010, 9. Frequency

(killer headache today... have been getting headaches lately, not sure why. they seem to be starting while i'm in moving vehicles, whether its a car, bus or subway train. it had better not be a brain tumor, is all i have to say).

yay for 'Roid Week: the Monday edition!

2010-05-03T18:05:00.003-04:00

oh my darlings. i am thankful this day, this week! has arrived. and not because i'm fortunate enough to participate this year - if money were no object, i'd so be 'roiding it up... but as i have no choice but to be an observer i have decided to post my top 'roid week selections for each day.

finally we might get to see something groundbreaking.

i don't know about you, but i've been feeling pretty bored with what i've been seeing on blogs lately. a lot of reposting, a lot of the same kind of thing over and over. maybe i'm just not looking in the right places, or maybe i've become difficult to please... or maybe i'm just right, LOL.

i understand that it is also the natural ebb and flow of things. periods of static sameness are punctuated by bursts of brilliant creativity and ingenuity.

so without further adieu, here are my favourite 'roid week flickr submission thus far...

Monday:

1. what'cha reading?, 2. Red & Yellow, 3. day one**, 4. Untitled, 5. traditions, 6. Roid Spring = vitamins for the soul, 7. Untitled, 8. Untitled, 9. Spring Oak and Wildflowers

the experiencer caught in her stream of consciousness.

2010-05-02T09:14:00.008-04:00

flickr favourites trend: so soft you could almost pet them.

1. Solitude, 2. Untitled, 3. You grow, you grow like tornado, you grow from the inside, 4. Untitled, 5. shadowboxer, 6. old books - {Explore}, 7. you can't feel it,, 8. day one hundred and thirty three, 9. dutch tulips from their beds. flaunted their stately heads. ~116~365 ~ ♥explored♥, 10. Untitled, 11. From - to, 12. Untitled

o hai.

i've been a lazy blogger. and i've been a lazy photographer - i'm so bored with my camera... the upgrade needs to happen soon! that, or i need to get my hands on some polaroid film. either way, it's going to cost moolah that i don't have at the moment. sigh.

i suppose now would be a good time to dig out my 35 mm analog cameras and take them out for a spring spin before there's no more spring left. so okay. will do!

in other news... i think i may have figured something out. i know, i know. i'm always figuring something out, LOL. you guys must think i'm insane. but for the first time in a long time, i don't feel insane!

if you've been following for awhile, you may have come to realize that i'm not exactly on a fixed path in this life. it is something i've struggled with ever since someone told me way back in school that i had to do something with my life. in my truly sagittarian way, i've always been uncomfortable with the idea of ruling things out. i want to do it all - but i have this immobilizing fear of never doing anything.

looking back, i've done A LOT of things. i've had 25 jobs. i am not kidding you. i'm counting every little job i've ever had, of course. i have enrolled in no less than 5 post-secondary programs of study (i completed 2 of them). i have lived in 7 cities all across the province of Ontario. i have wanted to be a screenwriter, a photographer, an illustrator, a graphic designer, an interior designer, a novelist, a filmmaker, a journalist, a floral designer, a product colour-namer, a librarian, a travel writer, an editor, a playwright, a museum curator, and an art therapist (and i still want to be and do all of these things). i took off by myself to travel Europe for what was supposed to be 6 months and came back from traveling the world 2 years later.

i have always envied anyone who has always known exactly what they were going to do... or who didn't know but figured it out and stuck with it. people always tell me i lead an exciting life. i guess it could appear that way to those who reside outside of my body and my head. but i pretty much walk around in a constant state of alarm - what the hell will i do with myself NOW?

is it just poor planning? or is it something inexplicable? maybe the whole point of this incarnation for me is to get some experience. maybe i was born under this sign and lived through certain childhood events to send me on this journey to see and do as much as possible so that in my next life i can settle down. maybe this body is the home of a very young soul.

i'm not saying free will doesn't play a part here. i am ALL ABOUT free will. i think fate is like a guideline. you start out at A and you're supposed to get to B, but how you get there is up to you.

i am definitely on the scenic route. i guess for the most part it has been lovely. there are things i wish i could go back and do differently, but i can't do that. i still contantly hunger for the A-HA! moment when i will know who i am and what i'm meant to be doing with myself... as if what i'm doing now isn't IT.

when i look at the list of things i've wanted to do with my life, they all have something in common (with the exception of librarian - but i know where that comes from and it makes sense). they all involve the creating of something, or the facilitation of creativity on the part of others. this is not a revelation to me.

i keep making the mistake of believing that my chosen careerpath will define me... that the moment i choose a direction i will know exactly who i am. i desperately want to know myself, but i'm terrified of choosing a direction.

even now... i am thinking of going back to school. again. years ago i enrolled in a Technical Writing program at Fanshawe College in London, Ontario. i wasn't able to procure funding, so i had to withdraw from the program. yesterday as i was scanning craigslist, every other jobposting in the writer section was for Technical Writers. so now i'm kicking myself, right? why didn't i try harder to get the tuition funds together?

okay, if i had been able to get the money for school, i likely wouldn't have gone traveling, at least not when i did. and one can deduce that all of the other good things that have happened to me since then wouldn't have happened... or maybe they would have, in just a different kind of way, who really knows? my boy and i both lived in the same city at the same time without knowing it, prior to our meeting here. maybe decisions we both made prevented us from meeting in London, but led us to meet in Toronto.

(yeah... we've been re-watching LOST from the beginning, okay? LOL)

anyway. long story short. looking at September admission to Seneca College in the Technical Communications post-grad diploma program. get a certification in something practical, something in demand, something that i know i can do. something i was going to do 10 years ago. aye carumba.

for art's sake.

2010-04-29T16:16:00.003-04:00

a little rain never hurt anyone
Originally uploaded by spazberryjam

something occurred to me today.

i love drawing. i love painting. i love the way it feels when the paint glides from my brush onto a surface, any surface. i love seeing something blank become something colourful. i don't care much for rules. i love doing things freehand, as much as possible. i don't always have a plan, and sometimes the things i make go through several evolutions before i know they're finished. sometimes i'm never finished. but i love the process. i love making art.

but i don't think i enjoy selling it.

when i left my fulltime job to do the artist thing, i did it because i needed to know that i at least gave it a shot. it seemed like the perfect solution to my problem - to make a living doing something i love. but right from the get-go, something didn't feel 100% right about it. i was about 95% certain, and that seemed like good odds... whatever that 5% was, it didn't matter.

at first i chalked it up to my fear of failing, and i assumed that as time wore on, and with each sale i made no matter how small, i would be energized and that 5% - the missing piece of the puzzle would materialize and it would click and i'd know i'm doing the right thing.

nearly 3 months in, that has not happened. and of course, i know it isn't going to happen right away. but something else has happened. that 5% has been growing larger. i'm not exactly sure where it's at now, but feel that the scale has tipped in the other direction.

basically, i think what i have discovered is that i am not interested in making art for other people. now that is has become "my job", i am bored to death with it. and that makes me sad, because i remember the first two weeks of this endeavour, when i was so happy that i had the time to be drawing and painting that i cried tears of joy. it didn't take long for that high to wear off, and for the act of creating to become a thing like work.

but when i take the pressure off myself to do art that other people will like, the desire to draw and paint and create returns.

am i giving up on this? not necessarily. i think i have learned something really important. and as bummed as i sort of am, i'm actually not crying, which is kind of blowing my mind. because ever since i left my job to pursue my dream, there has been a lot of crying, and i couldn't fathom why.

i have no intention of closing my etsy shop. but i'm relieving myself of the pressure to make things just for the sake of selling. i am still building my collection of vintage china with the intention of listing more as i continue to learn about them. and i am still photographing, and for some reason i have less of an issue with the idea of selling prints - so the goal of upgrading my camera and acquiring that printer for the purpose of selling photography prints is still high on my agenda.

but the drawing and painting has to be for me, personally. that's not to say i might never attempt to sell or exhibit something in the future... but for now, this is what it has to be.

it's funny that i've surprised myself with this epiphany... i already knew this about myself on some level. i literally have folders full of feature length film and television scripts that i have written and then filed away, because the pressure to do something with them (either sell them or make them myself) is too much of a burden. i gave up the idea of a writing career, because it's too close, too personal, i put too much of myself into it, and the world of film and television writing isn't exactly a cupcakes-with-sprinkles-while-dancing-in-the-rain kind of world. and in truth, i am starting to see that the visual arts business isn't much different, much to my chagrin.

i realize this is not an uncommon burden among artists. but it's one that i am obviously not yet ready to overcome. maybe i have some more learning to do before that can happen, or maybe it never will.

but one thing is for certain... now that i've shrugged off the burden of the business of art, i have an itch that needs scratching, and the only thing that'll make it stop is a good old charcoal pencil.

toodles for today :)

i've been knotty...

2010-04-27T18:43:00.008-04:00

appy-polly-logies for the lack of posts recently. i'm kind of stumped for words it seems... not in a bad way... i guess i sort of feel like a bit of an observer lately. that isn't to say that i'm not at the wheel in my life - i have a lot of projects going on at the moment and i'm sort of flitting back and forth among them, and on top of that i've been working at the tea room (and loving it!).

what is my current state? sitting on the couch, washing down dinner with a beer. my feet are throbbing, because i was on them all day at the tea room. it was busy! the boy has discovered the band Vampire Weekend and he is playing me videos on youtube.

plans for this evening are pretty much comprised of celtic knot construction/illustrations. okay, here's something you didn't know about me: i kind of have a thing for celtic art - knots and spirals in particular. and as much as i'm able to find calendars and paintings and illustrations out there in the world which proves to me i'm not the only one who loves them, i have yet to meet another individual who practices the art of celtic knot drawing. it appears to be kind of a geeky, nerdy thing to do.

(this is a celtic mandala i did several years ago...)

i used to be really good at it, and then it sort of fell by the wayside when people in my life failed to be as impressed by the art as i am. back when i used to share an apartment with my sister, i used to hang my celtic knot paintings to dry on the living room wall, and she was so embarrassed by them she would ask me to take them down whenever she had friends over.

(these are a few of my old celtic knot doodles... do they embarrass you? LOL)

now that i'm picking it back up again, i'm really excited about it, and even my boyfriend - who thinks everything i do is art, LOL - seems to think it's really weird.

(these are some preliminary sketches i did last night... it has been a long time and it seems to be more difficult than i remember! more practice is needed)

are celtic knots really that nerdy? i don't want to tattoo them on my skin or anything, i just really love the way they look and i'm still mystified as to why no one else i know agrees with me.

am i seriously all alone in celtic-knot-love-land?!

Flickr Favourites Friday: Flowers and Femmes :)

2010-04-23T09:44:00.002-04:00

because they just go really well together (um, yeah, understatement of the year!)

1. Light rain, 2. Untitled, 3. Reborn, 4. Explored: 35/365 + Secret #1, 5. There’s magic everywhere (36# Explore), 6. Untitled, 7. life is beautiful, 8. P1240974, 9. Untitled, 10. Untitled, 11. Flowers, 12. laughter, 13. flower, 14. Untitled, 15. 25755 Adiantum pedatum, 16. Untitled

and before i sign off this morning to have what i hope will be a productive and rewarding friday, i wanted to gush about the lovely CAPow! at windshield diaries, who has been doing analog camera themed posts all week... she has put together a really cool analog camera themed etsy finds board, and my sweet diana mini painting is her #2! eeeeeee! i can't even begin to tell you how flattered, thrilled and excited i am by this! windshield diaries is one of my favourite blogs and CAPow! is the coolest :) thanks again, CAPow!

happy friday everyone! i hope you have the bestest day!

crushtime...

2010-04-22T18:56:00.009-04:00

every now and then i feel the need to blog about my girlcrushes, but i've sort of noticed that i rarely talk about the boys: the ones who get my motor running - the men of film, television and music.

much like the girls, some of them are true-blue, love them till the day i die (or the day they do something unsavoury), and some of them come and go as my tastes change.

somethings never change though. like my girlcrushes, i definitely have a "type" when it comes to the boys. with the girls, it tends to be fair skin, doe-eyes, and auburn or brown hair, often wavy and long, but that's not a hard and fast rule. they say that women tend to favour chicks who sort of resemble themselves in some way, and i think that's true to some extent. i'm naturally fair-haired, but my mother at age 16 was pretty much the description of the look i tend to go for (isn't that kind of sweet?! maybe i should tell her that).

the men in my boycrush file have a wide range of overall appearances and personal styles. but they all seem to have a certain quality in common. a particular eye-shape. a bit of scruffiness. a definite puppydog thing. and for some reason, they tend to have what i will refer to as "powerful noses", LOL.

there are three in particular who have been on my mind of late...

Joshua Jackson

aka Peter Bishop on Fringe, and Ben Tyler in the film One Week. i was never a Dawson's Creek fan, so i never really got the whole Pacey character thing. but i think he has reached a level of hotness i never expected.

Glen Hansard

Glen is the lead singer of the Irish band The Frames, and is one half of The Swell Season, which he formed with his friend Marketa Irglova, his co-star from the wonderful film Once. there is just something about Glen that kills me (and every other girl who has ever had the pleasure of seeing him perform live, i'm sure).

and last but not least...

Sam Trammell

aka Sam Merlotte on True Blood. every time i see him on screen, i am hypnotized. a bomb could go off in my backyard and i would not notice.

but i must say that i'm a pretty lucky girl, because my biggest crush of all time, the one who is sitting in the livingroom with me as i type this, sharing some Black Tower with me and watching Dave Chappelle stand-up, is the embodiment of all the things i love about Joshua and Glen and Sam... and all the best things about good men everywhere...

the apple of my eye :)

(omg, he is eating lime wedges... sigh. they broke the mold, i tell ya :))

ps - the above photo is not a real px600 shot - it is a poladroid that i tweaked in sepia tone using picasa.

spoiled ;)

2010-04-21T16:32:00.002-04:00

it has been awhile since i've been award-tagged. i can't say i blame anyone, because my blog has been kind of a downer the last little while, LOL. as much as i feel like things are getting better, i still feel like i have a lot of catching up to do, blogwise.

and so i was surprised to find out that the lovely Sabriel tagged me for this award:

let me just start by saying THANK YOU, Sabriel! you rock. if you are currently not a follower of Sabriel's blog we can be as tall as grass, you might want to check it out, for many reasons, like the fact that she has the soul of a poet... and also has photos of BABY GEESE SNORGLING EACH OTHER in a recent post. among other things, of course :)

secondly, i have to say that i don't feel like i deserve this tag at all, because i've been so out of it recently. but i'm really really happy to know that people really do stick by you during the rough patches and the absences and the commentless lurking phases. so i'm accepting this on behalf of everyone who feels like they've been a shit blogger at some point :)

lastly, the conditions of acceptance state that once i have posted the award and thanked the one who tagged me, that i must nominate 15 loveable bloggers for the award.

oh man... i don't even know where to begin! there are so many wonderful blogs that i enjoy reading, bloggers with hearts of gold whom i would love to acknowledge. problem is, i can't really remember who i've tagged for awards in the past, and i don't want to overlook anyone. i also dislike the feeling of being exclusive.

so here's the dealio. i hope you don't think this is a cop-out... the idea of selecting 15 of you to acknowledge as bloggers i love just makes my head spin. so! have a look at the right hand column of my blog where all my widgets are... scroll down to the *omgsopretty* section - that's my blogroll. if you see your blog there, it means i'm a devoted follower and lover of your blog! consider yourself nominated and feel free to accept the award by continuing the tag on your own blog :)

(i know it is still somewhat exclusive, as not everyone i follow ends up on my blogroll, and some have come and gone, and then been added back again (i try to make sure there are no dead links, or that those in my blogroll are fairly active bloggers). it is sort of a fluid space and it changes frequently depending upon who i find myself reading more often).

******

i had my first shift at the Tea Room today, and i think it went really well! i'm training in the kitchen at the moment, and once i become fluent in kitchen operations, i'll begin to do more front of house activity. i had a blast learning to make all the little sandwiches (egg salad goes on heart-shaped bread! ehn!) and learning the presentation aspect of everything. and i tasted Monk's Prayer tea for the first time in my life, and i am SO HOOKED. instant favourite! and the ladies i'm working for are wonderful. i'm really on cloud 9.

hope your day has been filled with good things :)

colours of the day: pink and grey.

2010-04-19T18:41:00.003-04:00

all shades of silver, all shades of rose...

just because i like them, and oh yeah, so do you :)

1. Good Morning Spring, 2. Untitled, 3. Fuschia Bloom, 4. spring romance, 5. windswept petals, 6. memories of days past, 7. neon sky, 8. old otterbein, 9. soft bokeh, 10. Untitled, 11. Polaroid SX-70, 12. With U, 13. sunny sunday, 14. glasses, 15. explore, 16. no. 11 | unintended

(please click the above links to be taken to the artists photostreams)

victorian garden tea.

2010-04-19T16:43:00.004-04:00

that is the name of my new employer!

if you've been following, you might know that i've been sort of down in the dumps lately due to the fact that i've been having a hard time nailing down the right part-time job to supplement my new artist lifestyle.

it has partially been my own fault, in that i will admit i've been rather selective about where i have put in my application. but i didn't see the point in applying for jobs i knew were not going to satisfy a certain je ne sais quoi.

having said that, i was starting to feel a bit desperate. i was wondering if i had done the right thing by leaving my full-time job at InterfaceFLOR. my bills have been looming, and while i've made a few etsy sales, it hasn't been enough to cover my costs. and this has drastically impacted my inspiration level and drive to create. because the moment i feel i HAVE to paint, i just CAN'T. i left Interface because art was all i wanted to do, and at the end of the day or even come the weekend, i had no time or energy left in me to do it. funny how quickly the tables can turn.

anyway, the focus has been on finding something in my neighbourhood, because i just can't handle the 3 hours a day it takes to commute downtown and back. it sounded a lot easier than it turned out to be.

so, today i went out walking to the library to pay my late fines (you would think that in light of my dire financial situation i could return my books on time but... well, obviously not) and it was such a nice day that i decided to take the scenic route home. i have always been aware of the lovely tea shop on the corner of martin grove and burnhamthorpe - i've popped in there a few times to gaze at their lovely china and gifts, with a goal of having tea in their tea room someday.

as i walked by today, i saw a help wanted sign in their window...

and i ran home and changed my clothes and grabbed my resume and went back, and the owner invited me in for tea, and she was lovely and we had such a great conversation and she asked me to start on wednesday! eeeeeeee!

you might also be aware of my recently ignited obsession with all things tea and fine china and tea parties. i can't even tell you how excited i am to serve high tea at the Victorian Garden Tea Room!

this couldn't be a more perfect fit... weekends and casual weekday work, in my neighbourhood, with a lovely team of ladies of all ages, in a pretty shop filled with gorgeous staffordshire china... with plenty of time left over to paint and photograph! it is almost too good to be true!

in honour of today's good fortune, here is a spot of flickr tea for you! the links below will take you to the artists' photostreams :)

1. cup o' tea, 2. gioia che afferri improvvisa in un giorno qualunque, 3. Tea??, 4. The perception of normal?, 5. morning tea for one, 6. Day 18, 7. Untitled, 8. we sit on the porch and drink tea, 9. Tea with Kate & Fiona * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *, 10. MAD HATTERS TEA PARTY AND FASCINATOR WORKSHOP AT BAKE-A-BOO, 11. tea time., 12. a cup of tea, 13. Tea for Two, 14. Vintage Tea Time, 15. 365.93, 16. Teacup Growth

Jessica Simpson is the new Mandy Moore. wait... what?

2010-04-17T17:13:00.004-04:00

Jessica Simpson did something that i like.

i wouldn't say i have ever despised her... i'm just not a fan of her music (although, i don't really know what her music is, to be honest, i'm pretty sure it's not my kind of thing). i mean, she burst onto the scene along with a number of other young blonde hot teenage pop princess type girls whose music wasn't my thing either.

one of them, Mandy Moore, seems to sort of wrested control from the hands of her marketers and recording labels and emerged more like what seems to be her authentic self. still don't know what her music is, but i have this thing where if she appears on the cover of a magazine, i will buy it. i think i just kind of like her as a person - she seems more real to me than so much of what is out there in mainstream pop culture. and i have always meant to have a listen to her newer music, i just have not yet gotten around to it.

back to Jessica Simpson though (yeah, really. LOL!). pretty much everything i know about her i learned from Perez Hilton and Access Hollywood. i'm sure that's true for most people. and everytime i would see her on a magazine cover, or in the entertainment headlines, i would roll my eyes and go, oh my GAWD she is so vapid and annoying, will she please just go away!

i'm sure many of you have heard about her latest cover - Marie Claire (which is one of my favourite magazines) has done her sans makeup, and sans retouching. when i first heard about it, i was all like, phbt! whatever.

this afternoon, as i was picking up some things at the drug store, there was a massive line-up at the cash, so i thought i would peruse the magazine racks until the line went down.

(i used to be a fashion mag addict. not so much anymore, since everything that is in them tends to end up on the net anyway... but occasionally i'll pick one up if it catches my eye).

i caught a glimpse of Marie Claire's au naturel Jessica Simpson cover, and i decided to flip through it. and you know what? even though she still doesn't come off as super intelligent (she refers to a 10 year old clothing item as vintage... sigh... oh Jessica) she made me like her, in that Mandy Moore kind of way.

she came off just so real, authentically herself.

i have never identified with her blonde bombshell, plunging necklines and animal prints style. but suddenly, i see her as a real person - someone who struggles with a lot of pressure to look a certain way, who has endured a lot of criticism from the masses for gaining 5 lbs and having a photo taken from an awkward angle.

as i flipped through the pages, i realized that in terms of body shape, i'm actually quite similar to her.

here's where i admit that i sometimes get hung up on exteriors. i don't consider myself to be vain, because i also have a tendency to get hung up on the more ponderous issues in life, such as why the eff am i here. i think that because i do get stuck on trying to figure out the meaning of life, while at the same time recognizing that it is likely an unanswerable question, that i feel that if i can perfect the much less meaningful "appearances" aspect of things, that i will be able to move through the daily grind with confidence.

and let me just say, that it has never worked. and i keep going down that pathway, and i end up even more depressed, because holy shit, i can't get that right either.

i have a tendency to judge myself pretty harshly. i incessantly compare myself to others and wonder why i can't be living a life like theirs. and the answer to that is simple: i'm not here to live someone else's life, i'm here to live mine. so it is high time i stopped trying to model myself after everyone i'm not.

i think we're all just trying to find ourselves, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. i just happen to be one of these people who is hyper-aware of it. i'm aware of it 24/7. i think about it way too much. who am i? if i wear this frilly dress, will i suddenly know who i am?

this is me.

i am never going to be 5'10'', and i'm never going to be the best in the world at all the things i want to be the best in the world at doing. but i'm good at some things. and even if i have to go back to work at some 9-5 office job, it doesn't mean i've failed as an artist, or as a human being. what defines me is the way i treat others, and the way i treat myself.

and if i treat myself like a lesser being, i'm not doing myself or anyone else any favours.

i guess what i'm rambling on about is... i need to be inspired by real people. there is nothing wrong with appreciating beauty, but i need to separate myself from what i see around me.

i've done some horrible things to myself. i would never treat anyone the way i have treated myself. i have a lot of years left on this planet, and i'm not going to suffer through them, at least not by my own hand.

thank you, Jessica.

etsy update and other loveliness :)

2010-04-13T20:24:00.004-04:00

well. i wanted to give you guys an etsy update, as it has been quite a long time since i have done that! the shop is doing not too badly, if i do say so myself - 3 sales in the first month... i have no idea how that compares to most other fledgeling shops, but when i sit back and think about it - it seems to be a good start, and that's really all i could hope for :)

admittedly, i haven't spent as much time on the promotion and marketing aspect of it as i had planned. in the beginning i sort of hit the ground running, but i've slowed down a bit too much for my own liking. i find the promotional aspect of it sort of exhausting. it is definitely not a natural strength of mine, but it is necessary. i think i might try and set myself a kind of schedule for marketing. it doesn't have to be revolutionary, but it does need to be consistent.

i was sort of hoping to brag to you about a new item i had listed, but it sold just hours after i listed it!

and i think i've finally figured out the direction for my poladud project! so expect to see an update where that is concerned very soon.

as far as recent photography, i went on a couple of photowalks around my neighbourhood in the last week... once just after the rain, and the place was like some kind of water-droplet fairy-land... and then on sunday the boy and i went for a walk in the park behind our house - it was a gorgeous sunny, blue-sky day and perfect for photographing.

i haven't got much in the way of words at the moment (you're getting off light this time, LOL - i'm aware that my words have been on the heavy side lately and i'm working on getting some balance where that is concerned).

the boy and i are about to crack open the bottle of Glenfiddich we've been saving for just this kind of night - mild, clear, fresh and sweet. time to hit the backyard with our whisky on the rocks and enjoy the moment.

bon soir!

i live in a glass house so from now on i'll keep my stones to myself.

2010-04-12T10:17:00.003-04:00

if the title of this post makes sense to you, then please accept it as my apology (sometimes i think i'm witty and hilarious but it turns out i'm just a jerk).

if it doesn't then... tra la la la la :)

welcome to another Monday. i hope everyone's weekend was grand! on saturday the boy and i enjoyed a lovely evening of drink, conversation and food over at his friends' place - they always show us a fab time.

and they showed us something HILARIOUS as well...

i have no idea how long this has been around... but it's effing hilarious! remember back in the day when MTV was just a new idea, and music videos were all about strange effects and stories that made no sense or had no relation to the song whatsoever?

we all love Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart. and i remember seeing the music video way back when, and accepting it as something revolutionary and cool and ahead of it's time.

i haven't seen it in a while.

and someone (who clearly IS witty and hilarious and clever, too boot) made this - a literal translation of the original Total Eclipse music video via new lyrics to the song. i don't remember the last time i laughed this hard.

if you haven't seen this before and you really need a good laugh: enjoy!

and now, i'm making myself do some artwork on this gorgeously bright and shiny day. i guess i just have to remind myself that if i was still working at the old nine-to-five that i'd be sitting in an office looking out the window... so it's kind of awesome that i'm working from home and can go out for a sun-break anytime i want :)

happy day to you!

it's a silvery shade of monochromatic world.

2010-04-10T10:45:00.006-04:00

the first shots of the Impossible Project's newly released PX100 instant film have been making their way to flickr.

when i first read the announcement and the instructions on how to use the new instant film, i have to admit i felt exasperated. i mean, i fully support the Impossible Project and their development of new instant film technology. i love instant film... and i love Polaroid.

but in the Impossible Project's announcement, they made the new PX100 film sound like a real bitchy diva starlet - moody and difficult to work with. like, in order to get a sharp exposure, you would have to take the picture between 17 and 17.4 degrees celsius, at 1:18 pm GMT, with 3 fluffy clouds in the sky and inside a transparent plastic bubble. i'm exaggerating, of course, but i'm the kind of person who can't follow instructions, so i figured the PX1oo film and i would not get along.

and did i really care? since the film is monochromatic anyway, and i'm a die-hard colour fanatic. so i kind of wrote it off.

but i'm so glad that it was embraced by so many in the flickr community. because i'm loving what i'm seeing. the images are so dreamy, and nostalgic - they have that sort of it's-the-1940's-and-instant-film-has-just-been-invented look and feel to them, so that even an oddly composed, off-kilter shot of a telephone pole looks like art.

1. no. 10 | blood orange, 2. swept, 3. N˚5 :: balls of light, 4. Candle 2, 5. under the light, 6. 1rst, 7. Dawn, 8. Loved and Care, CANON 7 50mm F0.95, 9. glasses, 10. Polaroid_PX100_0001, 11. memories of days past, 12. Le secret, 13. London, March 31st, 2010, 14. I'll drink to that!, 15. Impossible Project - Testshooting, 16. Untitled, 17. Slow Down, 18. New PX100 film, 19. tea cup, 20. Untitled, 21. PX 100 / N°2, 22. Impossibly foggy tree. , 23. aveuglée, 24. basketful of snow, 25. px100buttons

now... these are not oddly composed off-kilter telephone pole shots. most of these were taken by skilled photogs with sx70 polaroid cameras, so they knew what they were doing and achieved gorgeous results.

but the px100 film is expensive and you only get 8 exposures per pack, and it's not exactly available at your corner drugstore, which is another reason why i have not yet taken the px100 leap.

but now i want to.

what are your thoughts on the new instant film? are you as impressed with the results as i am? or do you think the Impossible Project has a little more work to do before they get it right?

if i were a... i'd be...

2010-04-09T09:47:00.006-04:00

i was inspired by Andrea's post at Fit to be Seen, which pretty much expresses who she is in non-human form. so beautiful... and i thought it would be the perfect friday post.

and because i have to do things in my own special way, i feel the need to elaborate on some of my answers, because in a sense, i am all things - i'm a malleable, mutable entity, and i can find a way to be just about anything in some way. so i feel that some, if not all, of my responses require a bit of description.

If I were a month I’d be October.

i had to think about this. i have a strong affinity for December, because of the general festive qualilty about it, and because it is my birth month. but overall, October is my favourite month because of the colours and the anticipation of what is to come - the anticipation of December, in a way, if that makes any sense!

If I were a day I’d be Sunday.

i was born on a Thursday, so again, it's sort of like my day. but my favourite day is Sunday. tranquility always finds me on Sunday.

If I were a time of day I’d be sunrise.

i'm rarely present at sunrise, but the times i have were among the most magical. plus... whatever happened yesterday often just kind of dissipates when the sun rises on a new day.

If I were a planet I’d be Jupiter.

do most people have a favourite planet? i do. it's Jupiter. again... its the one that the astrologists say is my ruling planet. but that's not why. it's because of it's vibrant colour, and it's giant red splotch - the storm that never ceases. it's like a metaphor for life. plus, the big red splotch kind of reminds me of my birthmark (here's something you didn't know about me! i was born with a large strawberry mark on my right thigh. it has faded substantially, but it's still there, my very own Jupiter Storm.

If I were a sea animal I’d be a jellyfish.

delicate but dangerous... dangerous because it is delicate. we all need to protect ourselves somehow.

If I were a direction I’d be East.

everywhere i want to be East of here... of course, if you keep going East, you eventually find yourself back where you started.

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a china cabinet.

full of beautiful, breakable things. look, but don't touch. and if you do decide to open the door and handle a piece or two... please be careful.

If I were a liquid I’d be ginger tea.

hot. comforting. spicy. aromatic. soothing. healing.

If I were a gem stone I’d be opal.

again, i wiffle-waffled on this one. my three favourite gemstones are opal, turquoise, and ruby zoisite. and each of those stones possess so much variability. opals can be white, black, red, blue, green... or all of those at once. turquoise can be more blue or more green, solid and opaque, or filled with black veins. and ruby zoisite can be more green than red, more red than pink, or more pink than green. i chose opal because it really is all things to everyone.

If I were a tree I’d be blue spruce.

all the other conifers went for green. it just had to be different.

If I were a tool I’d be a hammer.

...when all you need is a screwdriver.

If I were a flower I’d be a violet.

my mom has always had violets. they were always wilting. it took a lot of practice and care and patience to get them to thrive. she never ever gave up on them.

If I were an element of weather I’d be Fog.

fog takes no shape, and yet it is a kind of obstacle. it obscures your view, but in a passive, tranquil sort of way. you have to pay attention. slow down. look for the light.

If I were a musical instrument I’d be an acoustic guitar.

no particular metaphorical reason, it's just my favourite instrument :)

If I were a color I'd be Purple.

this was the toughest. purple means so many things. it means lilac and violet and indigo, and i can't choose between them.

If I were an emotion I’d be Wonder.

because it accompanies discovery.

If I were a fruit I’d be a raspberry.

again, nothing metaphorical here... i just love them!

If I were a sound I’d be a purr.

to be in the presence of a purring cat is divine.

If I were an element I'd be Silver.

beautiful even when tarnished.

If I were a car I’d be a jeep.

but not just any jeep. i'd be the old pinkish-burgundy jeep that belonged to my grandfather. he kept it in his backyard even after it was no longer roadworthy, because he was so attached to it he couldn't part with it. i know that sounds tacky, to have a broken-down old vehicle languishing on the property, but somehow, it never looked junky in the backyard... it lived by the fence that separated his yard from the neighbour's, right next to a lilac tree, near near what looked like a whole forest when i was a little kid. it always looked pretty and decorative there - even in it's disrepair, it was beautiful.

If I were a food I’d be blueberry pancakes with butter and maple syrup.

say hello to my ultimate indulgence!

If I were a place I’d be an Irish Pub.

in Ireland. anywhere in Ireland.

If I were a material I'd be chenille.

there once was a sweater that was destroyed in the washing machine...

If I were a taste I’d be maple syrup.

smoky, delicate, sweet, complex.

If I were a scent I’d be vanilla.

vanilla goes with everything.

If I were a body part I’d be a pair of feet.

go. stop. dance. kick. fight. skip. tiptoe. balance.

If I were a song I’d be Idaho by Josh Ritter.

melodic, acoustic, lyrical, mournful, nostalgic, hopeful.

If I were a bird I'd be a budgie.

growing up, we had budgies. they were the best :)

If I were a gift I'd be a decorative trinket box.

you don't really need it, but you always end up finding a use for it.

If I were a city I'd be Edinburgh.

historic, rife with ghosts and stories and legends, but always welcoming, always home.

If I were a door I'd be a storytime drop-down castle door.

heavy, hard to get to (because of the moat around the castle, duh!) and tough to open, but you just know there is something wonderful inside!

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Mary-Janes.

they're my signature shoe!

If I were a poem I would be a sonnet.

simple enough in construction, musical on the ear, but often has a hidden meaning.

damn you, Polyvore

2010-04-08T15:32:00.005-04:00

well. it's not really Polyvore's fault i have DMD (Decision Making Disorder). but it meant that my virtual outfitmaking expedition today left me feeling overwhelmed and unable to create coherent outfits.

usually i find a key item and then build the outfit around that (OMG, listen to me talk about this as if it is something to be taken seriously... sheesh...) but i just couldn't choose one particular item upon which to focus... and i didn't want to forget about the other things that wouldn't work with a particular outfit but might work with something else down the line... so i ended up just doing groups of things.

um, so i guess my virtual closet is now well-stocked. good thing i live in the real world, or i might have had an uber-outfit-meltdown today. what first-world problems i have.

i think its okay to have light and fluffy froufrou flotsam and jetsam on my mind, rather than the deep philosophical stuff at the moment. n'est-ce pas?

mid-week Artist Feature: Brendan Gall

2010-04-07T21:16:00.010-04:00

a few weeks ago i sat down for coffee and catch-up with my friend Brendan. a prolific player in the Toronto theatre scene, his accomplishments never cease to impress me.

i've known Brendan for about 5 years now, and in the course of that time, i've had the pleasure of watching him perform in many theatrical productions, usually part of Tarragon Theatre's program, of which he is a Playwright in Residence, including his his original stageplay Alias Godot, inspired by Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot. i was also impressed by his cinematic production Dakota, in which he not only acted but wrote as well.

in short, he's a man with a lot of talent.

there's a good chance you might recognize Brendan from a commercial or two... but i really wanted to find out what makes him tick as a practitioner of the theatre in its many roles, on and off the stage.

Brendan Gall: Actor, Writer, all around Good Guy
Age: 31
Current Residence: Toronto, Ontario

Shellbell: so Brendan, it's been awhile since we caught up. what are you working on right now?

Brendan: my new play at Tarragon, Wide Awake Hearts, is going up in the fall season, directed by Gina Wilkinson. we're in the middle of casting right now, we have most of our cast. it's very collaborative. Richard [Rose] produced Alias Godot, he's very open to my input in casting and Gina is doing the same thing.

S: can you give us a teaser?

B: it's about two couples who are old friends and they've come back together again, to make a film together. and basically the writer puts his wife and his oldest best friend together in the flim as lovers. and either it causes them to have an affair, or he wrote the film to eliminate the fact that they already were. the film bleeds into their lives and its unclear sometimes which is real. it's sort of nightmarish.

S: will you be acting in it?

B: no.

S: are you still acting or are you focusing more on your writing these days?

B: both. i'm still acting as well, it's pretty balanced. i decided not to act in my own work as much possible just to keep me sane [laughs]. i acted in my first play that was produced [Panhandled], and acted in Dakota, the movie that i've done. with the play i just... often plays shift quite a bit in rehearsal so it's hard to be wearing more than one hat in the room.

my experience with Panhandled was, i wasn't able to... the play didn't change as much as it needed to because i was dealing with actor stuff. and i also think that things get weighted strangely. you're sort of forced to look at the parties playing as somehow... it gives it significance that it shouldn't necessarily have. if i cast myself in Wide Awake Hearts then people might think that i am that character. sometimes i think that people take the writing less seriously if you cast yourself in the play.

S: are you involved in anything else at the moment?

B: yeah, i'm coaching second year George Brown theatre students. George Brown is my Alma Mater. i graduated from there in 2000, and now i'm filling in for a friend who normally does the teaching. it's a project that i liked when i was in school, because it's one of the times where you get to create your own work rather than just doing what is asked of you.

S: how do you like teaching?

B: it's a bit stressful. not sure if i'm a perfect fit for it. but i like the idea of it. i certainly wish... in school i had such tunnelvision about the situation. it had so much importance and i was so afraid of failing or questioning. in retrospect, i would have done things quite differently.

S: so you are encouraging the students to speak their minds?

B: i try to let them know that the second year of theatre school was the hardest part of my life. it has never been that hectic since.

S: have you always known that acting was your thing?

B: when i was young i was interested in it. my best friend growing up who i'm still friends with, he was interested in it, and that egged me on. we both went to Unionville highschool in the arts program there. so we were doing drama all through highschool. by the time i was 16 i was ready to admit that i wanted a career in theatre. i was afraid to admit that for awhile because it felt pretty ridiculous.

S: Really?

B: i was embarrassed to admit that i thought i could do it. i didn't think it was the most realistic decision i could make.

S: did you have support?

B: i did actually, and it started with one of my drama teachers saying that this was what i wanted to do. both my parents were really supportive. my dad's thing was to make sure i had a backup, and make sure i wasn't closing doors. but when he saw a production that i did, that really changed his perspective.

S: support in the arts is huge.

B: it is, yeah. i saw so many of my friends not have it, and it's difficult. it makes all the difference. its a school of hard knocks anyway, so if you don't have people in your corner it's practically impossible.

S: you rely heavily on a network of people to get your work done. was that hard in the beginning?

B: i started by not saying no to anything early on. staying open to possibilities. if someone wants to meet you or do a project, say yes even if it isn't a paying role. you just don't know who you're going to meet, how you're going to build your spider web of people.

S: do you find the theatre community a little bit incestuous in that way?

B: yes, for sure. people do work with the same people over and over again. it's a matter of trust and familiarity. if you have a working relationship with someone, you know how they're going to function in the room. it becomes a known variable.

S: where acting is concerned, how do you create a character?

B: i think i might be more interested in language teaching me how to play a character. character is what people do, and what people do is in the script.

S: that is a very action based approach.

B: if your character is the kind of character who is willing to murder someone or betray a friend, that tells me something about the character i'm playing, and i can feed that through the rest of the script. even if i'm in a scene where my character isn't murdering someone, i keep that aspect of the character in mind throughout.

i don't think too much about character in a weird way. from a writing/directing perspective, i'm more interested in casting people who are closer to the character as themselves than looking for someone who is going to transform.

S: that's a unique perspective. you tend to hear about actors making the transformation for a character.

B: we've had our whole lives to work on our own selves as characters. if you can find someone who already embodies a character, its going to be more natural and easier to work with. the character traits who are different from who i am come out of necessity as i need them, not as a starting point. i respect someone who can make a dramatic transformation for a role, but i dont' think it is necessary.

S: which character that you've played has been the biggest transformation?

B: i think my role in East of Berlin has transformed my career and my life. and some people said, "you were so different than you are in real life". but i felt i understood those rhythms naturally as rhythms that might be my own. i never felt like i wasn't me. in highschool i romanticized that method acting notion of disappearing into a character. as a 16-year-old i played Richard III and took it very seriously. but i have less and less interest in the idea of losing myself in a character.

Brendan as Rudi in East of Berlin,
a Tarragon Theatre production

S: this is so different from from what i've heard about other actors and the way they connect emotionally to a character.

B: i do connect to them emotionally. it is not to say that i don't try to be as honest as possible. i really try to listen to what i'm hearing on stage. i'm like that in my real life too. that stuff's all true, but i still know i'm me. it's all the power of imagination and i think good actors have really strong imaginations.

S: what are your goals as an actor? are you interested in pursuing more film work?

B: theatre is my thing because that is what is accessible to me right now. i would love to have a giant film career but that's harder. i'd like to do more tv and film but i'm far less familiar with it. i've spent a lot of time on stages. being in front of a camera just feels like another world. it's harder to log those hours. if you want to make a play you can do it, you go through the process. to make a film requires a lot more time, money and collaborators.

S: can you talk about the experience you had in making Dakota?

B: we reverse engineered around the locations and people. we didn't have permits so we used interiors we had access to - the director's apartment as our main location. i knew i wanted to use most of my friends, so it made sense to make it about a group of friends. we came up with a simple homecoming story about a guy coming back to see a lot of his old friends because one of them is in crisis, and they end up hanging out for a whole weekend.

the cast of Dakota in a promotional photo
(click here to see the film's trailer on youtube)

S: what did you learn from Dakota?

B: i learned a ton as an actor, and it was the most fun i've ever had as an actor. and i felt like i desperately would have loved to go back and reshoot the first week after shooting the second week. for the vast majority of us it was a first kick at the can in terms of being on camera. we thought shooting digital we would have all the time in the world. we all took two weeks off work to do it. you're battling time instead of money, but i guess in that sense time is money.

S: what inspires you?

B: people around me who are passionate. i get pretty influenced by feelings and moods around me. if someone else is excited, i'm excited. if other people are bored i can shut down pretty quickly. what else inspires me is being able to pursue other curiosities outside my comfort zone. like film editing - and i'm still a bit intrigued by directing. art direction, visual art in general, i have a huge respect and awe for, because it feels so far away from my skill set. and my friends inspire me through the work that they do. and deadlines! [laughs]

S: who/what are your major influences?

B: i'm influenced by what i read and watch. people would say that i have some strong influences from [Samuel] Beckett and [Harold] Pinter, but i don't consider that something that makes me special. what mostly inspires me is good writing, good acting and good stories.

a scene from Brendan's play Alias Godot,
a Tarragon Theatre production

S: how do you identify a good story?

B: something that makes me feel in a strong way. more and more my criteria is that i want to leave a film or a book or a play feeling changed in some way. i like laughing and crying and thinking. if you can make me do all three than that is a success. and even if you make me do just one of those things a lot, that's a success, but all three is a homerun.

S: how do you stay motivated?

B: i struggle with that a lot. i'm one of the least disciplined people i know. i write in concentrated bursts with long periods of inactivity. usually those bursts are motivated by deadlines.

S: what's your ultimate project?

B: it would be a film that i'd written, that i was really proud of, that i had the budget i needed to be realized completely. that i could be in, and be really proud of. i'm writing stuff now but not necessarily the dream project, because i'm working within limitations. i know i talk about not putting myself in my plays, but i don't have a problem putting myself in my own movies.

S: where do you see yourself in ten years?

B: i don't know if i do see myself clearly in ten years. i hope by then i'll still be doing this full time. i'm really lucky to be doing this full time right now. i guess i hope i'll be doing things that i'm increasingly proud of and that i'll be able to make a comfortable living doing it.

S: do you have any advice for someone just starting out?

B: don't wait for permission. make your own work. and don't take anything personally.

S: that's hard for an artist to do.

B: its a big catch 22. being an artist, you need to be sensitive in order to understand and interpret, but you also need to be really tough to deal with criticism and rejection. it's hard to do both.

S: where can people follow your work?

B: go see Wide Awake Hearts in the fall at Tarragon, and The Red Machine at the Harbourfront. and google me! there aren't a lot of people named Brendan Gall [laughs].

a tisket a tasket...

2010-04-07T10:58:00.004-04:00

okay! so... woke up this morning in a MUCH improved state. who knows how long it will last... but i'm alright today, and while i've been sitting on my butt all morning uploading and editing photos, it's more than i've been able to make myself do in the past week. i'm jumpy inside, which means i want to get off my butt and go take pictures of the blooming magnolias in my neighbour's yard, and i need to do some laundry...

so this is good :)

hopefully i'll be back later with that artist interview i promised you! until then, here are my Easter photos.

my family isn't cool with having their photos blogged, so i have to respect their wishes (its hard being the only one who has an online presence in my family... there is so much i want to share, but obviously it is more important to preserve their sense of security, so... here are the ones i can share with you).

they're all up on my flickr... so if you'd like to see them on their own as opposed to in the mosaic block, feel free to wander on over :)

gasp! thunder! i love thunderstorms... but i guess my photowalk will have to wait. that's okay... i was hoping to work on my macro water-droplet skills anyway :)

ps - i hope no one is uncomfortable with how much i post about my moods. i probably shouldn't worry about it... but it is impossible for me separate my emotional struggles (and wins) from my creativity - the two are completely enmeshed and part of my journey on this planet. knowing this, i hope you'll stay on this rollercoaster ride with me :)

make it STOP

2010-04-06T19:19:00.006-04:00

by "it" i am referring to this feeling of utter uselessness that has me in its stranglehold.

i know this will pass. i want it to pass NOW. it makes me feel like such a LOSER which keeps me in this cycle of disenchanted loserdom.

anyway. it is also the reason i haven't been blogging much. i really hate unloading on people, burdening others with my vile mood. plus i just haven't felt like it. so if i'm not around much lately, its just that. because today as i was taking my way overdue books back to the library i had this overwhelming need to lay down on someone's front yard and take a nap. thankfully, the boy worked from home today, and he kept me sort of busy (get your mind out of the gutter, LOL). i mean he got me to help him with some of his reports, which was frustrating, but i was thankful to have my mind occupied by something other than the downspiral thinking that is consuming me when left to my own devices.

i haven't gotten my easter photos uploaded yet... i will get to it eventually. i did have a nice weekend, i just wish it could have lasted longer.

anyway again. i caught a glimpse of a post today somewhere in the blogosphere about Chloe Sevigny, and i felt the need to contribute.

a while back, i remember someone posting about how she disliked Zooey Deschanel. and i was all WHAT?! how can that be? isn't it written into our collective female DNA that all chicks between the ages of 13 and 43 must have a die-hard girl-crush on Zooey? isn't she the girl of all our dreams?

and then today. i saw that post about Chloe Sevigny, and i was reminded of the fact that i have no idea what the big deal is about her. and yet... she seems to have captured the hearts of so many lovely young things, in a very Zooey D kind of way. but she just doesn't do it for me. she's cute enough, i guess... most of time. i don't think her fashion choices are that earth-shattering. i don't remember the last time i saw her in a movie. i'm so meh about her, but i feel like i'm totally alone in my Chloe meh-ness. can someone tell me what is so great about her? i want to know. i want to love her like you do.

if we're talking girl-crushes, you know i'm deeply infatuated with Zooey. i've gushed about her before, just like the bazillion other girlbloggers who love her.

other enduring girl-crushes include the lovely and ethereal Clemence Poesy...

the charmingly goofy and actually hilarious Gillian Anderson...

the so-sweet-i-wish-she-was-my-big-sister Laura Linney...

the lovely in a real kind of way Anna Paquin (although i prefer her as a brunette)...

and i don't know what it is about Claire Daines. she's so effortlessly polished and down to earth at the same time.

finally... she's not really on the radar where girl-crushes are concerned... but i love love love her. Marketa Irglova (the adorable "Girl" who plays opposite Glen Hansard's "Boy" in the wonderful film Once). They also write music, record and perform together under the name The Swell Season, and they're amazing. i knew i loved her in Once... but when i got to see her with Glen as The Swell Season here in Toronto a couple of years ago, she played the entire set wearing fluffy red slippers. i wanted to hug her.

anyway once more. it was good to blog this. i know i'm not going to accomplish anything major today. but i made it through and hopefully life will find it's way back to me soon.

thanks for being here, my friends.

happy easter!

2010-04-04T14:24:00.005-04:00

felices pascuas
Originally uploaded by k.Manghi

just as i suspected... springtime and cupcakes and babies and sparkles are back in my good book again.

and all it took was coming to Burlington and spending the weekend with my mom, sister and baby niece :)

i hope to keep the feeling for as long as i can. this morning we made easter bonnets and we'll be adorning ourselves for afternoon easter tea over at my sister's in-laws house.

hope you are enjoying your weekend, regardless of what it holds for you! i'll be back in Toronto by tonight with some lovely easter photos :)

cynical on Good Friday.

2010-04-02T09:26:00.003-04:00

Originally uploaded by buradori

i really do love springtime and cupcakes and babies and sparkles.

but sometimes i just get sick to death of them.

and now, easter weekend is upon us, and i'm about to get clobbered in the face with springtime and cupcakes and babies and sparkles.

maybe it'll do me some good? let's hope so.

if you don't see me around this weekend, it's cause i'm doing the family easter weekend thing, just like many of you. i plan to be back Mondayish bleeding glitter and rainbows from a split lip... and a better attitude.

have a happy weekend everyone. xo.

sorry.

2010-03-31T21:15:00.001-04:00

i was going to post an artist interview this evening. but today has not been a good day. remind me to never get philosophical in the morning.

hoping a good night's sleep brings me to a better day.

goodnight.

let's get philosophical, philosophical, i wanna get philosophical....

2010-03-31T09:07:00.008-04:00

wait, those aren't the words, LOL. forgive me Olivia Newton John.

i am finding myself confronted with philosophical debates everywhere i go lately. philosophizing is not a strong point of mine. while some people seem to really enjoy trying to answer the age old questions of right vs. wrong, good vs. evil, the abstract vs. the logical (and also seem to think they can answer those questions) i get really flustered and frustrated, and i find it difficult to get too deeply involved in such conversations. and not because i'm afraid i might learn something new, but because my emotions tend to get in the way of rational thought, and before i know it, i'm calling the other person a stupidhead and stomping away.

10 minutes later when i've calmed down, i'm able to think of a rational argument to counter whatever it is that got me going, but by then... what's the point?

i like to think of myself as decently intelligent and for the most part able to articulate my thoughts and opinions in a rational manner. most of the time. but i will be the first person to admit that i'm by nature an emotional person.

there are people who let their emotions make all of their decisions for them, and i don't think i'm so much that way, but they definitely play a part in all of the decisions i make, all of the opinions i have, all of the things i do. i have to consider them, because if i ignore them, i'm not doing myself (or anyone connected to me) any favours.

i don't know if there is a term for this, but i call it emotional intelligence.

there are also people out there, who have emotions, just like everyone else, but ignore them completely in favour of "the facts". these people might be highly intelligent in terms of IQ, but in my opinion, they're not using all of their faculties to make a decision or formulate their argument. and it makes me wonder if they're emotionally healthy... or maybe i'm the one who is all f*cked up.

i'm speaking in generalities, which i hate. everyone - every brain, every heart, every life - is 100%, completely unique. we, all of us, live on a finely graded spectrum between two extreme ends.

but i'm not going to go and get specific, because it's unfair. who am i to make calls on another person's emotional intelligence?

having said all of this, lately i am finding myself frustrated with people i consider to be "emotionally lazy". people who seem to have this idea that they're finished with their emotional growth. in my opinion, anyone who thinks they have reached the apex of their emotinonal learning has actually just crashed and burned at the bottom of the proverbial mountain, and is obviously incapable of seeing just how far they have to go if they're ever going to attempt to get there.

and of course, we can never "get there", any more than we can't answer those philosophical questions that have plagued the human mind since the dawn of our existence. anyone who thinks they can or do have the answers is fooling themselves.

i know i declared above that i am emotionally intelligent. please don't misunderstand me... what i mean by that is that i am aware of just how far up the mountain i have to go, and i think that's what gives me emotional intelligence. i'm willing to do the work to get as far as i can, venturing into scary, dark and uncomfortable places in order to learn and grow and gain wisdom about myself and the world at large. there are times when i'm going to think i see things clearly, and there are times when i'm going to be completely mindboggled, and at those two ends and everywhere in between, there are times when it might seem to everyone else that i'm really, really stupid. but i am not giving up the fight. i think that is why i'm here. it's personal, and it is not my job to try to convince other people to join me or to see things my way.

you can imagine what it's like trying to hold my own in a debate (that no one can win) with anyone who is completely the opposite. yes... exhausting.

you know the old adage about wisdom? yeah. but as i said, it isn't my job to point out people's "weaknesses" to them, because who is to say i'm even right?

its the burden of our unique perspectives: we all think we're right. i'm guilty of it too. so despite the fact that rationally, i think it's sort of "wrong" to burden other people with my beliefs, which may or may not be "right" or "sound", but feel to me that they are... bear with me...

i think that anyone who thinks they see things clearly is unwittingly more mindboggled than any of us who know our minds are boggled.

sing with me! all around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel...

******

sorry about this post. i had to get this out. i'll be back later with an artist feature... it has been a few weeks!

we have a winner!

2010-03-29T10:00:00.003-04:00

before the day gets away from me, i want to announce the winner of my etsy grand opening giveaway!

congratulations to... Anne at ennadoolf!

Anne is the winner of her choice of any of the Chouette Minuette Petites Filles that are currently available in my shop!

and now... there is work to be done. happy Monday!

ps - thank you.

thank you to everyone who read and comments... and thank you to everyone to who reads but doesn't comment. and, thank you to everyone who follows me anonymously, and to everyone who reads but isn't a blogger, and to everyone who just happens across my blog one day and reads just once.

because, as much as i love and appreciate all my followers and the comments, i sometimes forget that i am writing to a wider audience than i realize.

after having read tinypaperheart's post which revealed that readers who comment make up something like 1% of our actual readership, it made me realize that i don't acknowledge the rest of you often enough. i'm writing for you too... and my sincerest thanks to you for taking the time to read.

a little bit of Sunday Etsy Love :)

2010-03-28T19:05:00.010-04:00

here we are at the end of the week. 'twas a different sort of week for me, as i essentially had my weekend from wednesday to friday. saturday and sunday were workdays for me, though enjoyable enough.

we had a little bit of sad news this week, as my cousin passed away from a heart attack at the age of 56. i wasn't especially close to him, but some of my dearest cousins were - he was their uncle. unfortunately, i can't be there for the funeral service tomorrow as it is in my hometown across the province. i wish i could be there to support and comfort them and help them celebrate his life. though i hadn't seen him in a long time, i remember him to be a really nice, kind person.

but i don't wish to dwell on sad things today.

i meant to do another Etsy Finds post on Friday, but didn't get around to it. so now i bring you the second installment of last week's Friday Finds - the Sunday Edition.

Soapstar Canada:

this seller makes lovely, pretty handmade soaps! i'll just bet they are a little piece of heaven.

butterfly island lavender and lilac natural soap

HJM Art Gallery:

Helen Janow Miqueo does the most stunning original acrylic paintings... i am absolutely in love with her style!

aquamarine twitter - original OOAK landscape art deco painting

ennadoolf:

this shop features a myriad of different handmade items to peruse... photographs, handmade doll clothes, hand-knit lovelies, and so much more!

work sock knitted cup cozy - takeout sweater

wrapped up with string:

this seller's beautiful handmade cards and gifts are crafted from environmentally sustainable materials.

thrifted butterfly notecard

marzipan road:

this unique seller designs and hooks fabulous rugs!

little hoot owl

...and that's about all i have the energy for tonight, my lovelies :) i'll be sure to remember to post more fabulous and unique etsy finds in the coming week.

happy sunday evening to all! or... erm... whatever day/time it happens to be in your neck of the woods when you read this :)

wildflower tea party: a library of vintage cups and saucers!

2010-03-27T20:30:00.002-04:00

attention all lovers of antique and vintage pottery and china!

i have started a separate blog in order to begin the process of identifying and cataloging the haphazardly mismatched collection of fine china that has come into my possession. i'll be posting images of each piece, as well as whatever information i've been able to find out about them. i'm hoping that this can eventually become a place where people can share their love of vintage pottery and china, as well as other miscellaneous antiques.

the catalog is in its infancy, however, i am considering the possibility of granting blogger access to others who wish to do the same - that way we can make it sort of a living online trove! by pooling our collective knowledge, i'm hoping that this will facilitate identifying "difficult" pieces - like those that have lost their markings or stamps over time, for example. it will also help to determine if pieces are authentic.

let me know if you are interested, either by commenting on this post or over at wildflower tea party :) this is going to be fun!

sunday tea party!

2010-03-26T22:16:00.006-04:00

haha, it's not sunday, hope i didn't mess you up! but its kind of like sunday to me.

i have just bid adieu (hopefully not for long!) to my lovely friend Carrie. it might seem a little strange that she came and spent wed-fri with me, but it just sort of worked out for her work holidays that way... and since i'm "self-employed" i can do whatever i want (haha, oh wait... that's kind of not funny, hello BROKENESS). i used to work with Carrie at the public library in London, Ontario and it is a frequent occurrence for me to miss those days. i wouldn't say it was an exciting time of my life, but it was good.

recently i've been feeling the need to get my girl on in a serious way. it might be a big of influence from the blogosphere, and some of the groups i follow on flickr... and it might be having moved in with the boy and spending a lot of time watching war movies and UFC with him... but even aside from that, i think i've never really let my femininity take the reigns. and i want it, like, so bad. lately all i want is to be with my girlfriends - to laugh and cry and watch stupid girly movies and try on clothes and drink wine and tea and eat chocolate and tell each other how pretty we are. is that lame?

anyway... Carrie and did a lot of girling out the last few days... i think my favourite part was when we went to the Montgomery Inn for a tour (our tour guide was the cutest history geek ever, i just wanted to hug him!) followed by afternoon tea in the Inn's Tea Room, complete with servers in period costume :) i was so into it i forgot to take photos, LOL.

it really got me wanting to dig through the basement for all the mismatched china teacups and saucers that have just been sitting there. i think i might have mentioned before that the boy and i are renting a house from friends of his back home... and we have been told in writing that we are free to do whatever we want with the furnishings left here. occasionally when we have people around, we encourage them to go thrifting in our basement, LOL! my mom has taken a few things to consignment on my behalf which is super cool. for my part, i haven't really done much with the items down there because i've been so unaware of their value. but my growing interest in vintage items finally got me in the basement with Carrie over the past few days... and i managed to find a few items that may actually have some value to them!

there may come a day when i will add some of these items to my etsy store... but for now, i'm happy to have them in my own personal collection. many of them are chipped or stained, but there are a few pieces that are in fantastic shape, and i have fallen profoundly in love with them.

as you may have noticed, my particular focus is on the teacups and saucers, ever since our afternoon tea the other day. and i have decided that... i am going to have a tea party!

sometime this summer, when the backyard garden is in full bloom, i am going to get all my girls together, and we're going to dress up in the frilliest, most frou-frou frocks we can find, and we will sip tea from fine china and devour biscuits and cupcakes of the sweetest and most delicate varieties. it has to be done.

and i was sort of thinking... what about hosting a blog tea party?!?! maybe this is the kind of thing that can happen? i have heard of blog parties before... whereupon the hostess invites all of her blog friends, and their blog friends, to join her on a scheduled date and time to participate, by staying tuned and online, participating in blogged-about activities, and posting throughout the evening (or daytime as the case may be) photos and thoughts, etc. linking a bunch of bloggers at once! i really like this idea, and i think a tea party would be perfect! i wonder if you agree?? would you participate in such a thing?

anyway... because i'm now obsessed with china cups and saucers and this tea party idea, i made Carrie have afternoon tea with me again today, LOL! we each chose a cup and saucer from my new collection. she chose the matching Sadler "Wellington" duo:

while i, rather obviously, opted to sip from my Shelley "Dainty Pink" duo:

we had white blueberry tea, steeped and poured from the Gray's Pottery of Stoke-on-Trent teapot, and munched timtams from off of the Johnson Bros. "Old Britain Castles" dessert plate :)

it was magical. LOL, i AM lame.

Joy.

2010-03-23T20:01:00.003-04:00

i keep going back to this photo - gazing at it, getting lost in it, hoping to know just what it is that made this lad feel as joyful as he obviously does. it's like the answer to all of life's problems are in this photo.

Gui
Originally uploaded by Bela Nick

is it the music? is it the company he keeps? or is it something that belongs only to him?

i'm sure there must be a time in my life when i felt like this. i'm not saying i'm not perfectly content in this particular moment in time. and i think it would be exhausting to be that joyful all the time. but remembering what joy feels like when you are merely content (again, not taking anything away from contentment, i'm okay with it!) is hard.

i hope that someone, somewhere in the world, has a photo of me that depicts such joy in my expression.

that is all.

oh! also... i may not be much of a presence in the blogosphere over the next few days... my friend Carrie is coming to stay with me for a bit! she's arriving tomorrow and staying until friday. i haven't seen her in four years! it'll be great to fill up my girly spirit with her :)

see you soon!

real life inspiration collage :)

2010-03-22T19:31:00.007-04:00

i think we've all been there... in fact, if you're reading this, you might very well be there now. a LOT of our visual inspiration comes from images we view on the internet... on blogs, on photo hosting sites, on etsy, just to name a few.

and yes, the lovely side effect of this is that we are always on the lookout for inspiring things when we find ourselves out and about in the realm of the the physical world - at least i have found that to be true.

exposure to what other people find beautiful and inspiring, via the internet, has helped me to see things in new perspectives, see beauty where i have perhaps not really noticed it before. i am profoundly thankful for this. blogging has helped reawaken my creativity and propelled me into using it for something meaningful. which when i think about it, seems kind of backwards, and yet - it is irrefutably true.

still... i am sometimes uncomfortable with the amount of time i spend on my computer and on the internet, organizing my inspirational images and such. i love it - but i didn't grow up with this kind of technology.

i grew up cutting and pasting images from magazines and photographs and, irreverently, my parents' books, onto large sheets of bristol board. i doodled hearts and stars and flowers and squiggles and swirlies with brightly coloured markers in the little white spaces that were too small to fill. i know i'm not the only one!

i'm not saying i think one method is better than the other. i couldn't possibly give up all of the beauty that i find daily by staring at this screen. but it does make me nostalgic for the old ways of doing things sometimes.

so this past friday, i began a magazine cut-out collage :) all the old magazines i had kicking around have been read from cover to cover, over and over again. it was time to transform them into a real life, touchable, tangible inspiration board to adorn the wall in my little studio corner.

and it won't be the last time!

oh the flurry of cutting and placing and arranging and pasting... like the pouring of something ephemeral into quick-hardening concrete, nailing down an idea, a concept, something that visually represents my style and taste and personality... something that defines me, in a sense.

and if i could do it all over again with those same magazines on a different day... would it come out the same?

i have a feeling the overall theme would be similar... but this evening as i was putting the finishing touches upon the collage, i found myself poring through the mags again, selecting images i had previously (incredulously!) rejected, and then mourning the lack of appropriate white space to become home for them on the board.

in order to fight the urge to tweak it, i decided to digitally document the collage in it's current state.

and as much as i would like to show you close up details of every corner of the collage, i have selected a few of my favourite bits.

if there is one image out of all of them that speaks to me the most, is the one in the centre - the girl with the multi-layered beaded necklaces and purple flower. that image actually came from a hairstyle magazine, LOL! i always knew i would clip and save it. i can't really explain why it speaks to me the way it does... but i never ever get sick of looking at it.

for some reason, i feel like this, more than anything i write here, more than any photo i take or painting that i create, will show you who i am, what is in my soul. i'm not sure why... or where this need to capture and nail down exactly who i am in collage format comes from. i just know that the desire, the need, is very strong. and i'm already excited about doing another one. it must be a kind of OCD or something, LOL.

in case you are curious, the magazines that these images came from are:

Hair Winners 2009
Women's Health July/August 2009
H&M Summer 2009
Short Hairstyles Fall 2009
Vogue October 2009
Women's Health December 2009
Vogue January 2010
marie claire January 2010
Flare Canada March 2010
Flare USA March 2010
Health Magazine March 2010

even though the images come from magazines from all seasons, i think that my collage has taken on a very spring-like feel to it. i think it would be cool to make a collage for each season! if any of you would care to join me and post your own collages, that would be super cool!

ps - this was my 100th post! yay!

OMG THEY HAVE TIMTAMS!!!!!

2010-03-21T09:38:00.004-04:00

that was me, exclaiming loudly in a state of lost control, at Loblaw's (grocery store) with the boy yesterday evening.

i haven't had timtams since i was in Australia... that was nearly 5 years ago. many of you are familiar with timtams, of course. if you're not... i'm sad for you.

but apparently you can get them at Loblaw's now! i have no idea how long this has been going on. for all i know, i've been missing out on timtams for the last 5 years for no good reason.

it was the boy who stumbled upon them, actually. we always skip the junkfood aisles - if we have it in the house, we will and do ignore all healthy nutritional food item and consume only the junkfood until it is gone. but it has been awhile since we indulged, so we made a junkfood run. there we were in the cookie aisle, searching for just the right kind of cookie, when the boy picks up a pack of timtams and goes "i wonder if these are any good?"

and that's when i exclaimed, in capitals, in my outside voice, the words in my title. needless to say, i got two packages, the regular and the caramel. and today, i'm going to show the boy how to eat them... LOL

that'll have to wait until i get back from my sister's though. it has been way too long since i have seen her and my niece - she's 8 months old now, and is cutting a couple of teeth, and apparently crawls backwards! just backwards, she hasn't figured out how to put it in forward motion yet :)

anyway, i realized i haven't posted many of my own photos lately. i guess i slowed down in the month of feburary because of the cold - but the last few weeks i've been out and about in my neighbourhood and downtown getting springy shots! so here is a handful or two...

*i have started watermarking my photos in light of what happened to our sweet CrowNologist :(

happy sunday to all!

friday finds: etsy shops i'm loving!

2010-03-19T17:52:00.011-04:00

there are so many amazing etsy shops featuring incredible items from wonderful sellers... i wish i could heart every single one of them! it can be a little overwhelming... (and time consuming!) but i thought i would share with you some of the shops that i have hearted recently.

Dollface deVille:

dollface's fibre fashions are out of this world with colour and hand-knit awesomeness... i am especially enamoured with her knitted necklaces!

gypsy sunrise skinny fibre jewellery necklace trio

the Swayze:

this adorable seller makes highly original accessories - i love her decorative hair ornaments!

the jupiter headband

Poetic Home:

i found yesterday's typewriter image on the poetic home blog. the shop announcement says that they'll be updating in the summer since they've been in a family way kind of situation of late :) have a look at their sold items to see what they're all about: vintage typewriters (and typewriter accessories)! i can't wait to see what they'll have in store for us when they begin listing again!

1924 Red Corona typewriter

Little Black Rabbit:

i am truly amazed by the stuff some people come up with. this shop features jewellery made from upcycled decorative tins. simply stunning!

recycled tin and brass necklace

2 Much Yarn:

this shop proves you can never have too much yarn :) the name says it all! creative hand-crocheted items for adults and babies... i am in LOVE with these:

crochet slippers

the Creative Caravan:

the shop's focus is on these wonderful gauzy scarves - but i'm rather taken with the seller's original gouache paintings:

the bosphorus ferry original gouache painting

Some Like It Vintage:

this is one of the best vintage clothing shops i've come across in my etsy travels so far!

vintage 1950's dress

i could probably go on forever and ever listing shops! so tune in again next friday for another installment!

what's that i see? are there... buds?! on the trees?!

2010-03-18T20:23:00.006-04:00

not that it was the hardest winter on record or anything... but WOW has march just been amazing, at least in my neck of the woods! april is forecast to be more seasonal, so i'm enjoying the late-springlike weather as much as i possibly can.

and this evening i was nearly hit by a bus (and yelled at by the driver) because i darted across the road to check out a tree that looked like it might be budding... and it was! when in bloom, the magnolia trees in my neighbourhood are absolutely stunning - i really really can't wait for them to bloom! expect to see a TON of magnolia blossom photos when that happens :)

oddly, i have a lot of "wants" at the moment. it has been a long time since i wanted for specific items. i mean, i don't have trouble finding things to buy when i'm out and about, but this is different.

wishlist:

a vintage typewriter. one that works and for which i can still get ink ribbons. i found one on craigslist that i'm sort of sweet on - but i'm still looking around as well. it can't just work, it has to satisfy a certain aesthetic, of course!

source

that nikon D3000 camera i posted about a little while back.

i know it is not the top-of-the-line or anything, but that is okay. it is within my purchasing means, and i think it is the next logical step in my learning process. as soon as i nail down a part-time job (interview this weekend! wish me luck!) and get a paycheck, i can stop visiting her at the store and that pretty baby will be mine :)

retro orange leather chunky heeled sandals or open-toe clogs for the summer. i don't know why, but suddenly i am dying for a pair.

source

a good quality photo printer. the hp printer i have does what i need it to do for basic document printing, but it isn't going to cut it for the kind of photo prints i want to be making. i'm all for getting one second-hand... i've been cruising craigslist and there are so many on there i'm not really sure which would be the best one for my needs at a decent price. anyone have any recommendations?

kiss me, i'm one-eighth irish :)

2010-03-17T12:31:00.005-04:00

lamp casts a green light
Originally uploaded by roddyjen

slainte! and happy st. paddy's day!

this is neat... i figured out how to blog my flickr favourites straight from flickr! yeah yeah, i'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes ;)

of course i will still compose flickr mosaic blocks when i want to highlight a trend or create a mood board... but it is so much easier just to post my favourites as i discover them!

i went to adorn myself in green this morning, and i found that i actually don't have many green things in my wardrobe, and only the odd green accessory! this is surprising, because i actually really like green.

so yeah, my maternal grandfather's mother was irish - her surname before marriage was Duff. unfortunately, i'm not irish enough to get a passport - oh blarney! haha, that makes no sense, but it sounds kind of like a curse, LOL.

of course, we're all irish today. how irish are you?

*update*

this evening, at our local (which just happens to be an irish pub) the boy serenaded me, a capella, amid a standing-room-only crowd of green-clad, st.paddy's day gear adorned revellers, whilst holding my hand across our guinesss-condensation-puddled, salt-sprinkled table, during the band's break, with a romantic east coast folk love song.

sigh!

i think it must have been a result of the lively conversation we had with the elderly couple sitting at the next table over to us. Fred and Ellen - married 61 years.

it has been a good night :)

sure, i'll take an early spring!

2010-03-16T21:12:00.004-04:00

technically, spring won't be here until March 20th, but the days just keep getting better and better in my part of the world! which makes getting work done kind of difficult, but i just keep trying to remind myself that if i was sitting at my old desk in my old cubicle at my old job, i'd be gazing out the window and yearning to be free... at least now i can set my own schedule, which is really a welcome change, despite my looming poverty, LOL.

the boy worked a half-day today, so i had the opportunity to take a break from working in my little dining room/studio corner to run some errands with him, which we topped off with a patio beer at our local! in the middle of the day! on a tuesday! in March! somedays i really love my life :)

last night i met with an old university friend, Dave (i just found out he blogs! it's about music and music-techie stuff... if that's your thing you might want to check it out). i was a wee bit late for our meet-up as i kind of got sidetracked in one of my favourite vintage shops. i came out with 3 ah-mazing vintage dresses from the 60's and 70's! if i wasn't supposed to meet Dave at 6:00 there probably would have been more, LOL.

see, this why it is good that i no longer live and work downtown. i am so easily persuaded by the pretty things that call out to me. and really... i've been doing very well on the not-buying-new-shit front. and these aren't new, they are only new to me! but they do fit me very nicely (i still can't bring myself to do outfit photos so you'll have to take my word for it, LOL). i've tried to pick a favourite and i just can't. i love the colours and the the overall style of the first one... the second one fits like it was made for me... and i am deeply enamoured with the pattern of dress number three.

anyway, the vintage shopping experience turned out to be fruitful for another reason... i got to chatting with the two lovely ladies that were working last night about blogging and websites. i was hoping the shop had a blog or a website (it is Tribal Rhythms on Queen West at John for anyone who is familiar with downtown Toronto) but the owner hasn't gotten around to it. when i mentioned that i had a blog and an etsy shop, they suggested that i bring some of my own marketing material to them so they could promote me! isn't that amazing?! i have a few little handscribbled "business cards" kicking around, but i didn't have them with me at the time.

so part of today was spent actually designing a little brochure-type-thingy and getting it printed at Staples for distribution to Tribal Rhythms and anywhere else that will take them! wheeeee! i don't have any graphic design training (except for the 3 weeks in 1998 when i enrolled in Sault College in the Graphic Art program and then quit) so i just did a wee illustration of myself as a Chouette Minuette girly and got Staples to copy it on heavy glossy stock for me.

it's a temporary solution until i come up with something a bit more professional looking... but i do kind of like it :) my favourite bit is the paint-smeared smock - just like the one i wear all day when i'm working!

lastly, as i was designing my brochure, the boy gallops in all giddy and beaming, and hands me a little gift bag... i open it up and inside i found these!

aren't they beautiful? he found them in a little Ukrainian gift shop near his work. i am in LOVE with them and he has fueled my matryoshka obsession even further!

whew! i've been kind of manic the last couple of days... hopefully it's just a sign of positive, productive energy. hopefully i can stay in the zone but with less mania and more of an even-tempered flow... still, it's nice to be on a natural high for a change :)

Etsy Grand Opening: GIVEAWAY!

2010-03-15T10:39:00.006-04:00

yay! i finally did it! i'm an Etsy Seller!

i was up till 3:30 am listing my items and i had a hard time going to bed after that, just in case something happened, LOL. so now the part where i shamelessly promote myself begins ;)

and what better way to kick off the opening of my new store but with my very own giveaway!

many of you have gotten an inside sneak peek at the Chouette Minuette series i've been working on. and since i've gotten such fab feedback on them, the winner will have his/her (more than likely her but you never know!) choice of any of the Chouette Minuette petite filles in my shop! (Chouette Minuette Cameos are excluded from the giveaway).

how to enter:

it's easy! you must be/become a follower of my blog. all you have to do after that is comment on this post and mention the giveaway on your blog (just link your blogpost in my comments so i can view it for your official submission). i will be drawing the winner's name on Monday, March 29th.

you guys should see me right now, i'm a wide-eyed ball of nerves and energy and happiness! this might seem like a small, insignificant achievement, but to me this is the itty-bitty baby beginning of something i have always dreamed of. i am filled with gratitude for all of the encouragement you in this wonderful community have given me and i'm happy you're here with me, along for the ride! you are a part of this journey for me and i can't thank you enough for your continuing support!

Shadow Shot Sunday!

2010-03-14T16:02:00.004-04:00

ah, sunday, my favourite day! i hope you've all had a wonderful weekend and are relaxing with your loved ones, and that monday holds only sweetness and light for you!

to those of you who commented on the pieces i posted yesterday - thank you! it helps to know i'm hitting the mark, as well as creating pieces that i personally love. its kind of funny... everytime i finish something i run up to The Boy with it and i'm all like look! look what i made! do you like it?!? LOL. i remember doing the same thing to my mom when i was a kid. somethings never change i guess... so it certainly won't be the last time i'll be asking for your reactions on my work... i hope you don't mind!

i missed last sunday's Shadow Shot installment and i have to admit i didn't go out of my way to shoot any shadows this week... so here is a photo i took a couple of months ago!

for those of you in the northwestern hemisphere, i hope your "spring ahead" went smoothly this morning! losing that hour can be tough, but it is totally worth it :)

blowing the big reveal ;)

2010-03-13T18:28:00.005-05:00

yeah, i'm not so great at holding onto exciting information. one of the reasons i'm a terrible screenwriter (just another one of my many aspirations over the years) is because i suck at withholding information. you know, suspense, the big a-ha! moment. when i've got the goods in my hands, i can't wait to show them off. it is also why i'm an awful practical joker... i'm the one giggling away, barely containing myself.

it is in my typical can't-keep-it-to-myself manner that i now give you some of my recent works! i'll be listing these on my etsy as soon as the finishing touches are complete.

"Eugenie" Cameo - Chouette Minuette Series Expansion

lonesome dove - stylistically interpreted from one my of own photos

market berries - painted from one of my own photos

EE100 - stylistically interpreted still life

spectra 2 - still life

holga - stylistically interpreted still life

diana mini - still life

i'm getting excited! entering the last stage of production on these pieces, and constantly working on new pieces and expanding on existing series... despite some of my recent gloom and doom, i am feeling really good about everything.

do any of you have any feedback for me? i trust you to be honest but sweet :)

when i wake up, in my make-up...

2010-03-12T15:03:00.007-05:00

not to alienate all you pretty young things out there (i used to be you, sigh...) but i have a question for the pretty young ladies of the approaching 30 and beyond demographic :)

back in the day, i was one of those really lucky PYT's who never had skin problems. i can't say i know what it's like to have suffered through acne in my teen years. my mother had acne in her youth, and my beautiful younger sister inherited it from her... and it somehow skipped me. i used to wake up every morning and expect that day to be the day that the acne-fairy (or gremlin, i guess) cast her spell on me. it never happened. as a result, i never got into wearing make-up in my youth.

i mean, when i was 14 i really really wanted to, just because all of the other girls were wearing it. i wasn't allowed... but i had managed to acquire some eye shadow and blush and lipstick and i played around with them a little, putting it on in the bathroom at school. i had no clue what i was doing though, and i walked around with bright shiny lime green eyeshadow smeared haphazardly above my eyelids for about a week before someone in my grade 9 math class told me i looked retarded (his word, not mine). and that's when i got over the make-up thing.

later on in highschool, i became rather proud of the fact that "i didn't need make-up" which i'm sure was really annoying to my girlfriends who never left the house without it. occasionally i'd let them do my face, and i always came away from thinking that i looked really weird, thus cementing the idea that i didn't need it.

and i don't think i did need it, in those days. i mean this without arrogance or conceit: i was an attractive young girl. i think i had an inkling of that at the time, but now looking back, i don't think i really realized just how lovely i was back then. if i could go back in time, i would DEFINITELY take that major department store swimsuit fashion show gig that my friend's mom asked me to do! i was pretty enough, and i had the body, but i was just so modest! i would give anything to look now like i did at 16. not an uncommon wish for someone in their 30's i realize.

16-year-old me

and me on my way out to my junior formal that same year...
i wore lipstick!

anyway, the point is, i never developed a beauty regimen. i don't have a clue about make-up. occasionally, if i have to go to a wedding or a job interview, i'll slap on some clumpy black mascara and some (very subtle) eyeshadow, along with a dash of lipgloss, and that is me, all made up!

when i was 23, i had a sudden fear of aging. i started applying moisturizing and anti-aging creams in the morning, afternoon and before bed. i really thought that if i started moisturizing like a fiend, that i would be ahead of the game and maintain my youthful appearance forever, and i would never need makeup.

fastforward 11 years. i guess you could say i'm still really lucky. i still get asked for ID when i buy wine or lottery tickets. i'm regularly mistaken for 25, which i can't say i mind :) but that isn't what i see when i look in the mirror. my skin is dry dry dry. no matter how much moisturizer i slather on (and admittedly i've eased back on that...) i just always look dry and patchy and flaky. my nose seems like it's always pink/red, and that bothers me. i look tired. i see fine lines on my forehead, and where my smile happens. i'm starting to wonder if i need makeup.

but other than my basic wedding/interview routine which takes 5 minutes (and looks like it), i have NO IDEA what to do! the idea of caking my face with powders and concealing creams doesn't appeal to me. eyeliner frightens me. lipstick omg noway. but i feel like i need to start opening myself up to the idea of spending a little time making myself presentable. i mean, my sister who is a knockout spends at least an hour on her hair and makeup everyday, and while she always looks stunning, i just can't imagine spending that kind of time on it myself.

i guess the point of all of this is to ask you lovely ladies what your secrets are? do you have favourite products? how do you approach this whole makeup thing? is it worth it? or should i just let father time suck the life out of me and accept it as the natural course of things? haha, that's rather over-dramatic. i know i can never be what i was in my teens and 20's, and i think i'm okay with that. but i do feel like i need a little help...

here's me the last time i was in my "natural state" and liked the way i looked. no lame attempt at makeup, no dreadful hairdye.

i'm 29 in that picture and i've just come back from a year in Europe followed by a year in Australia, and people were telling me i looked younger than i did when i left! if i could get back to that, i think i'd be satisfied.

and here's a more recent photo of me, from this past autumn.

i must admit i've become somewhat addicted to colouring my hair... and i have lost a lot of weight since the prevoius photo was taken, but it's really the face i'm after. any ideas?

mid-week Artist Feature: Michael Torelli

2010-03-11T20:03:00.009-05:00

okay... so it's almost friday. but until friday officially graces us with his wonderful presence (i don't know why, but friday is a boy, LOL) it is technically still the middle of the week. thus, i bring you the fourth installment of the Arty People I Know In Real Life Series.

many moons ago i met a strapping young lad on myspace named Michael. we shared a love of writing, and of film, and especially a love of karaoke, and i've had a lot of opportunity to get to know Michael not just as an adventurous karaoke performer (he does a fantastic rendition of In the Meantime by Spacehog... but my personal favourite is his timeless performance of Punk Rock Girl by Dead Milkmen!) but i have also been on hand to witness some wildly original acts of creativity in various forms.

i caught up with Michael to find out what he's into these days...

Michael Torelli - writer, filmmaker, creative muse
(and former hair model! haha, no really. he used to do that. sorry Michael, i couldn't resist!)
Hometown: Barrie, Ontario
Current Residence: Toronto, Ontario
Age: 31 (as of next week)

*this interview took on a rather casual tone as i hadn't seen Michael in a while and we had a lot to catch up on. also he's an uber-laidback kind of person, so the flavour of this post will be different from other artist features that i've done*

Shellbell: you're a man of many talents, Mr. Torelli.

Michael: sure.

S: name them!

M: i can walk on my hands. i can sing in the shower. and in a car.

S: at the same time?

M: no, i wish though! it would be nice having a shower in a car, because then you can drive and get ready at the same time.

S:but seriously. you write, sing, play the guitar, make movies, do animation, sew...

M: yeah, i like making costumes.

S: i'll get to that a little later. i'd like to start with your writing.

M: mainly i like writing screenplays, i've been writing scripts for the last few years. i haven't produced anything yet, but i'm now in the process of developing a web series, pitching some script ideas, collaborating on some projects - one of them is a musical, actually! i guess it would be fair to say i'm doing a lot of collaborating and musing at this point in time.

S: you write music too.

M: si! and poetry.

S: tell us about that.

M: well originally i was thinking of publishing a book of my poems, short stories and whatnot, but what i would like to do more than that is do a series of animations that would go along with the poems.

S: that's so cool! how would you do that?

M: i would put everything up on my youtube account and facebook. i would hopefully even be able to get a budget through some production contacts and enter them into festivals and even get them on networks.

S: in terms of scriptwriting, what are you currently working on?

M: i've been spreading myself thin between several projects. the one i would most like to be focusing on is the psychological thriller.

S: in what way are you spreading yourself thin?

M: the film lifestyle can spread you thin a little, meeting new people and collaborating on things and being out socializing more than you expect to. it leaves little time to focus on your own projects if you don't have a strong structural base. i seem to have let that slip a little since i quit the full-time daily grind to take a shot at something i love.

S: how is that working out?

M: better than i expected. i didn't expect to be getting paid work as quickly as i did. and i still do a lot of free work, but i've met some great people, and i've been given a lot of great learning opportunities. which in many ways, people have told me is better than going to film school.

S: did you intend to go to film school?

M: yes. i applied for film and television production twice (at Sheridan College, a very competative program) after finishing highschool, but i was waitlisted. and then i didn't see the point in spending money on going to the school and potentially not being able to take the courses i wanted with no guarantee i would get into them because of the competition.

S: so would you say the experience you've been getting as a freelancer has given you the skills you need to have a career in film?

M: it has contributed a great amount, yes. i think my work experience and life and general attitude toward the work has helped. because if you want to do something you've got to give it your best, and show people that you're willing to take on greater challenges, that you're willing to learn. and you have to really love what you're doing. if you don't have the right attitude on set, people can tell.

S: what kind of work are you doing on sets?

M: the majority of my work is as a production assistant or as a grip electric. though i've been able to try other positions on a film crew, like production coordinator, craft service, assistant director and background coordinator. and soon hopefully more!

S: what is your favourite role on set?

M: good question. i actually really enjoy being a PA because it really keeps you moving all day, and if you have a good attitude, it really helps the rest of the crew feel good about what you're doing. and people really appreciate a PA who will bust their ass for them to make sure that everything runs smoothly.

S: i want to switch gears and talk about your handsewn costumes and such!

M: okay. i do handsew my own Hallowe'en costumes. from scratch too! i've never had any instruction, i just kind of wing it.

S: what made you decide to learn to sew?

M: out of necessity, really! i've always enjoyed Hallowe'en, being creative, and i guess i was really encouraged by my parents. as a kid they would ask me what i wanted to be for Hallowe'en, and then they would help me make the costume. growing up when it came to having fun on Hallowe'en i realized i was going to have to make the costume myself. both my parents have been really creative and i guess i picked it up from them growing up. Nothing is too hard to do on your own, you just gotta try. and it's not always going to be perfect, you make mistakes but you learn from them and you keep going.

S: that's such an awesomely positive attitude! remind me of the costumes you've made?

M: robot, werewolf, zombie teddy bear, Gir from Invader Zim...

S: which is your favourite?

M: i'd say my most recent was my favourite, the zombie teddy bear. just because it came together really well and i impressed myself with it! (laughs) i definitely get better with each costume i make.

Michael in his handmade Zombie Teddy Bear costume

S: would you consider making a business out of it?

M: i thought about it. i thought it would be interesting to create a line of larger-than-life strange costumes. but there are so many things that i would like to try doing, and that's what it comes down to when i say spreading myself too thin. too many ideas and not a long enough life span.

S: if you could complete five of your favourite projects, in any genre, in this life, what would they be?

M: at least two of my film projects, one being a mystery/psychological thriller, the other more comedy based. third - getting a cd out with some of my music on it, fourth - publishing at least one book of short stories and poetry, and lastly... successfully carrying out my plans for world domination! (laughs)

S: so about this web series you mentioned earlier...

M: well i'm actually helping some friends with a web series they developed, as a grip electric but also possibly acting in one of the episodes. it's a good working relationship that is probably going to grow into working on one of my own web series down the road.

S: what's the name of the web series?

M: Microwave Porn. it's not dirty or pornographic! it's about a microwave that has come to life and has developed a rampant addiction to porn... and his owner is stuck with him.

S: erm, okay... weird, but potentially very funny.

M: there's a market for everything on the internet! (laughs)

S: you really enjoy helping other people with their projects, playing the role of muse, don't you.

M: that is actually what i would like to do more than anything else, just be able to help people develop their creative ideas.

S: can you talk about some of your muse work?

M: well... i helped a friend start her own band promotion business, back a few years ago, and she's doing very well now. i helped some people develop comic book ideas, mainly story development. and i've been able to sit with some directors who were storyboarding with my brother who is a storyboard artist, and discussed what to do with scenes in movies. but that's not really something i've been able to do until i've established myself more within the film community, which is why i'm doing what i'm doing now. i've got to do some stuff for myself before i can focus on doing it for other people.

S: so ultimately you would like to have a career as a muse?

M: ideally yeah. as much as i like the idea of being in the spotlight, i'd really just like to be creative and have my own life.

S: are you still working on your music?

M: yes... it's not glamourous in any way.

S: well, that is all in the eye of the beholder.

M: that's true. i think my songwriting is great but i have to become more comfortable performing.

S: am i leaving anything out? what is happening with Endswell Productions?

M: that's been put on hold ever since my business partner/brother got married and subsequently his new responsibilities have to come first before he can play the creative field. his focus is elsewhere now.

S: describe what Endswell was about.

M: it was a production company that we started with the hope of developing some cartoon series. the projects haven't died, actually one of them is what i'm going to be turning into a web series. and the other ideas are still simmering on the back burner. they're more likely to be made once i've gotten some other projects off the ground. it usually takes being noticed first before people will back up bigger ideas.

S: what do you see yourself doing in ten years' time?

M: fighting zombies in the zombie apocalypse? (laughs) probably still doing karaoke, enjoying life and not giving up on doing what i love. really just to be doing what i'm doing now, and making a living at it.

S: where can people follow your work?

M: my youtube! i've been kind of shy and secretive about my music on there, but i need to break out of my shell. Microwave Porn is on youtube... and some of my poetry can be found on myspace and facebook.

thanks Michael! it was great to catch up with you - your easygoing, positive attitude and devotion to your creative exploits is nothing short of inspiring!

and now... Michael has been kind enough to provide a sample of his poetry for your reading and imagining pleasure! and here he is in his own words to introduce his poem to you...

Michael: This one was inspired by Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"... I plan to eventually animate or film this and have the poem narrated along with it.

Three Brothers

Near the edge of town through the Forrest of Shadows, in the shallows of the dreadful Bone Hill;

Stands an empty abode that is eerie and old, and so cold it would make your blood chill.

Upon a time none would dare to make passage there due to scares spawned from tales and folk lore.

Still I believed it a lie to hear those who have tried must have died for they'd been seen no more.

Can you imagine a place of such horror?

I in my youth was an inquisitive sleuth who questioned the truths of these tales;

I ventured from home; now lamenting I roamed all alone down before spoken trails.

Excited I entered the house uninvited, my thoughts all since blighted it seems.

Visions of horror with me evermore, I assure you they haunt all my dreams.

I awake to my own daunting screams.

If one case I must boast in scenes I've seen most through dark spells I've been under, here goes;

Of three brazen brothers whose poor widowed mother gave name Edgar, Allan, and Poe.

They set off late one night in hopes they just might find Bone Hill all in spite of fair warning.

The travel a burden they expected for certain to be surmounted by morning.

I restate all in spite of fair warning.

With great success they consented a rest in discovering what they had sought.

The house stood there still, the brothers were thrilled, full of vigor they soon would be not.

They walked straight inside with abundance of pride, which an instant turned into sheer terror.

The shutters blocked light and doors slammed lock tight; starless night and exits nowhere.

Just death for all them to share.

Shrill screams and strange cries thereafter arise, whirling 'round like ash from Hell's fire.

Echoing tones of anger and moans, sobs and sighs of lost souls all so dire.

The brothers set still having lost hope and will to react to the dreadful uprising.

Frozen with fear they were parted, not near, all alone without even realizing.

All alone with their fright, paralyzing.

Edgar howled out to his brothers no doubt, who did gather their breaths to respond.

Till they heard Edgar gasp, loudly gurgling blood, then in silence believed he was gone.

Just then sudden sounds of thrashing around were bound to drowned pleas for mercy,

For hours he prayed, his death kept delayed, every second the torment was worsening.

Then it stopped for something else was emerging.

The lights dimly rose casting shadows of those who once lived till they went to that place,

It seemed like the light was their essence of life being cast by the pale of their face.

The shine came with gloom, they were near room to room, but dared not to whisper one word,

Then something between them began to converse, and "you never saved me" was heard.

I admit that it all seems absurd.

Edgar's moans were repeated until they defeated Allan's will who shouted "I'm scared!”

Then a symphony of woe arose ill-composed with the sounds of indescribable tears.

Allan's cry echoed throughout the halls that were filled with the stench of demise,

Poe now remained, alone with the thought, that the thought to be there was unwise.

They had heard that all who went there had died.

Poe tried not to weep but his sadness was deep and his chance of survival long lost,

Together they conquered the treacherous miles to get there where their lives were the cost.

A tear hit the floor which eroded away and Poe plunged into an abyss,

Gone, all gone, the brothers they were gone, for their poor widowed mother to miss.

In Hell believe me, all of this.

Now that you know, would you dare to go, to the place I alone had been spared?

The brothers had tried and died like the rest, only others had gone more prepared.

Dear reader I ponder as I look out my window, in the moon light three figures below,

I've relived in my mind, the time I was there, and now it is time that I go.

almost back on track :)

2010-03-10T21:24:00.008-05:00

helloooooo! just a little note to tell you that this week's mid-week artist feature will happen tomorrow. i meant to post it today, but i was in the artzone and had to go with it.

but i still would like to provide you with some lovelyness (i know it's spelled loveliness but i think it's prettier looking with the y. in fact... i think it's prettyer looking with the y, LOL).

here are some recent flickr favourites! no theme today... the only thing that connects these images is that they are wonderful :)

and here are the artists:

1. lawl, 2. im losing hope, 3. green couple, 4. Untitled, 5. 6:365 Furry, 6. day nineteen., 7. Untitled, 8. Teacup study, 9. Gui, 10. That Night, 11. Blue Violet~7/64, 12. salvage, 13. Alfred Infrared test shot, 14. 290, 15. combishort, 16. Untitled

oh... and my polyvore obsession continues. it has become the thing i do when i can't seem to do anything else. it used to be that i went to colourlovers for my self-coddling needs. polyvore has successfully ousted colourlovers as my "i'm bored but i don't wanna do anything constructive" go-to location.

here are a few of my latest dream fashion concoctions...

now... if only i had access to these pretties, and cool places to wear them! who am i kidding, i would be happy to be sipping coffee and reading a book in a little hole-in-the-wall cafe on Queen St. West, adorned in any of the above... dripping with mystery and romance in my solitude.

i'm easy to please, apparently :)

*update*

holy mackerel. they changed colourlovers. was i really gone that long? it's a whole new shebang now, all new patterns... and there are only so many hours in the day! sheesh...

things that make me happy (get happy, goshdarnit!)

2010-03-09T09:19:00.006-05:00

enough is enough. i need to find a way out of Mopey McSadville, and maybe a good "happy list" will help me get there.

1. the last few days have been warm and sunny. as in spring jacket warm and sunny, my favourite! i've been wanting to wear this jacket since i thrifted it over christmas in St. John's, and i absolutely love it :)

the little i love art/i love film buttons i picked up at the Arts Etobicoke gallery the other day.

2. dried fruit. specifically, the dried mixed fruit at costco (strawberries, blueberries and two kinds of mango! one sweet and one tart). i'm not a fan of costco but i haven't found this particular mix of dried fruit anywhere else. breakfast, lunch and dinner, folks!

3. this picture i painted last night: look! its Penelope! she makes a pretty portrait, doesn't she?

4. living in a country and an era where i'm free to pursue my dreams.

5. daydreaming about my next camera. i have totally learned all i can on my little nikon coolpix L20 and it is time to graduate... as soon as i have money again. this is the one i want... isn't she pretty?

6. preparations for my etsy grand opening (as slowly as it is happening - i needed to take the pressure off myself and just let it be. it will happen...)

7. singing.

8. birds singing.

9. my 28 (and counting!) fans on my facebook fanpage. knowing that someone, anyone, is rooting for me puts the spring back into my step!

10. when i get up in the morning and The Boy is sitting downstairs waiting for me (he always gets up before me) with hot coffee and heartfelt greetings. he always greets me with "you're beautiful in the morning" and a smooch. i'm pretty sure that rain or shine, whatever the day might hold in store... there is no better way to rise from my slumbers than to him being so excited to see me :)

it's also nice to get out to our local, just the two of us. it's like our second living room, and we can either talk all sorts of shit, or we can say nothing at all, just be there together reading the newspaper and enjoying our brew.

(one of our favourite pastimes is to read Savage Love on the back page of NOW magazine and then talk about how brilliant Dan Savage is, LOL)

thanks all for your thoughts and well-wishes while i was taking my wee hiatus. i was lurking in the background of course... i can't stay away when spring is in the air and i know all of the lovely chickadees (you!) are chirping away about lighthearted matters.

so what have i been doing with my blog days off? i wish i could tell you that i moved the earth and then some. in reality, it was a bit of shellbell downtime. forcing myself to do anything was just going to make me gloomier. i spent a lot of time with The Boy, as i was just feeling the need for reassurance and cuddles. i do keep my promises though, and i did a few things that i had promised to other people, and the doing of them elevated me during those moments.

i think a lot of it is homesickness... i haven't been back home to see my family in nearly a year. my mom has been down this way to visit... but it isn't the same as going home. i definitely feel out of touch with the goings-on up there.

this is going to sound weird, but i think a big part of my mood lately is kind of a tug of war between my introvert and my extrovert. this is something i've had to deal with my whole life, and i'm pretty sure it is the source of the majority of my issues. i refer to them as two different people, rather than two sides of myself, because they really do manifest themselves as two opposite entities within me that cause me to behave in two distinctly different ways. in all of the personality tests i've taken over the years, the results always come back that i'm right on the border between introversion and extroversion... but ever so slightly more intro than extro. i'm literally touching the line, but officially on the intro side. as a result, i tend to swing back and forth pretty dramatically.

i am comfortable spending loads of time in my own company... and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, i will absolutely lose my shit if i have to be alone with myself one more minute. then i'm looking for a party. there is never any warning. but if i don't go and satisfy my need for companionship right at the moment it hits me, i become horribly depressed. and it happens in the exact reverse as well... if i've been enjoying the company of friends and family and loved ones for a spell and then suddenly i'll get hit with the "omg i need to be alone RIGHT NOW" feeling... i have to go and satisfy that need to be alone, or the depression kicks in. and of course, it always seems to happen in a moment when getting that alone time is pretty much impossible.

i've often wondered if these intro/extro mood swings are tied to the chemical imbalances in my brain - it makes sense - i think they act as a catalyst to drops in my seratonin, causing the depression.

anyway, i've had a few solid days to myself and i think i feel i can emerge from them a bit more balanced. i hope. i just hope i don't swing the other way and find it impossible to work on my own in my little studio corner of the house. i desperately need to put in some worktime.

anyway, it was nice to wake up this morning and actually feel like entering the realm of the living :)

short-term temporary blog break.

2010-03-06T17:22:00.004-05:00

hi sweeties. i just wanted to take a moment to say that i might be taking a wee blog break. nothing major, just a couple of days. i may pop in to read blogs and comment here and there... but my head is not in posting mode due to a bit of an emotional disturbance. i know what it is and i just need a little time to pull myself out.

i'll be on facebook (i've linked my spazberryjam fan page over on the right side of my blogspace) so feel free to visit me there.

as for my twitter... i realize i haven't been on long, but it just isn't for me and i'll be deleting my account before the end of today. maybe i haven't given it a fair shot, but... i have a strong feeling that relationship isn't going to work out.

i hope you're all having a good weekend and i will see you again early in the coming week, i'm sure.

seacrest, out.

embarrassing celebrity crushes! or... why do i keep dreaming about David Duchovny? oh. right.

2010-03-04T11:20:00.007-05:00

good morning all! well, it may or may not be morning in your part of the world, and it may or may not be morning by the time you read this, but it is morning for me right now, and as that is my current situation i'm documenting it as such!

i've just been blogging over at nightstories, my other blog. i don't really push it out there too much... if people come across it and want to have a look that's great. but reading about other people's dreams can be awkward. usually if we have a dream that we think is earthshattering and we just have to tell someone about it, the people doing the listening generally don't find it as earthshattering as we do. anyway, the point is, i started nightstories because my own dreamlife is extremely vivid and active, and i personally think that i can learn a lot from my dreams. i felt that it was high time i started documenting them, regardless of how nightmarish or embarrassing they might be. it is primarily for my own therapeutic usage, but anyone is welcome to have a looksee if they're interested :)

anyway, after blogging last night's dreams, i decided to go back through all my previous posts to see if there were any recurring themes of late, and if i had any new insight into some of my interpretations.

and i did notice a lot of recurring themes. i mean, i have always known that i dream about the same kinds of events, people, things, over and over again. but i never realized just how often until now.

to talk about all of my recurring dream themes would take forever, and i've been chronicling them over at nightstories, so i'll focus on the one that really struck me as as i was browsing through my posts:

celebrities. i don't consider myself to be overly fascinated by celebrities... i used to read Perez Hilton and The Superficial, but it was getting boring so i've since gotten out of the habit. i don't read People magazine or seek out celebrity dish type television programs. but of course, there are a few with whom i've been infatuated over the years... musicians, film stars, tv stars, men and women... all sorts.

my most notable celebrity crushes have been (okay, this is embarrassing but...) Noel Gallagher from Oasis (yes, the loutish, brutish, mouthy, hirsute TALENTED one)

David Duchovny during the X-Files years (not so much anymore. i loathe Californication, yuck!)

Mike Myers, especially his character Charlie McKenzie in So I Married An Axe Murderer, but i'll take Wayne Campbell too (i will admit that my fascination with Mike has waned since the dawn of the Shrek empire, for obvious reasons)

Michael J. Fox (um, do i really need to explain this? he was my first ever celebrity crush since i was 10 and i still love the heart, head and guts of that man!)

the Legendary Jeff Healey. i was 13 when Angel Eyes was a hit, and there was just something wonderful about this young man who was blind since infancy who could play the muhfuggin guitar like no one else. the second anniversary of his passing was March 2nd. RIP Jeff.

oh! and Ewan McGregor - particularly his characters Christian in Moulin Rouge, and Robert in A Life Less Ordinary...

anyway... i also dream about celebrities that i don't really think twice about. Cuba Gooding Jr, for example, and Cameron Diaz. i don't dislike them, i just don't find them particularly fascinating, and yet they appear in my dreams in sometimes very intimate situations, LOL.

does anyone else out there find celebrities - crushes or otherwise - invading their dreamspace at night? sometimes i feel like an immature kid when i wake up to find that i've dreamed about going on a date with Agent Mulder... again... but we don't get to choose our dreams, which is what makes them so so interesting! i can laugh about it, i guess. i don't tell The Boy about the Mulder dreams though, LOL.

i just want to justify last night's David Duchovny dream by saying that i watched Return To Me before bed.

how effing adorable is Minnie Driver in that movie?! yes, Minnie Driver. maybe now i'll dream about her for a change :)

who are your (embarrassing or not) celebrity crushes?

mid-week Artist Feature: Becca Buttigieg

2010-03-03T18:39:00.006-05:00

another Wednesday is upon us, which means i would like to introduce you to yet another of my wonderfully creative and talented friends! today's feature is a little different, as i'm bringing to your attention the lovely Becca (Rebecca, actually, but who has time for 3 syllables these days? LOL) whose primary focus is on the performing arts! (oh, and she has just started a new blog too - which has little to do with acting but a lot to do with fantastic design - do check it out if you are so inclined!)

i've known Becca for a couple of years now. not only is she one of the sweetest, loveliest people i've met, but she is one multi-talented lady! apart from her daytime job as an activities coordinator at Belmont House retirement residence, i was blown away by her performance in the role of Catherine in the East Side Players production of Proof, for which she received great reviews, and i was moved by the imagery in some of her wonderful poetry.

but enough of my gushing... here's what Becca had to say about her current creative endeavours!

Rebecca Buttigieg - Actor, Poet, Musician... and more!
Hometown: Kemptville, Ontario
Current Residence: Toronto, Ontario
Age: 28

Shellbell: let's begin by asking you to tell a little about yourself in a creative perspective.

Becca: I'd say my first love is acting, and currently i'm learning to become a writer in terms of television and theatre. I also really enjoy knitting, and i play the violin.

S: you also write poetry, don't you?

B: yes i do! i almost forgot about that!

S: that's totally understandable considering you're also a new mother. how has motherhood impacted you as an artist?

B: in the beginning my focus had to shift from art to motherhood but things have evened out now. now i'm able to focus on projects on a small scale rather than large scale. things just take a little longer, i have to stretch things out. i also find motherhood really inspiring. it makes me want to explore more things because i want to be the best example for Emmylou as i can, and get her to embrace her own passions. i don't ever want to look back and say to her that i didn't do the things i wanted. i want her to go after her dreams and be a good example for her.

S: before Emmylou was born, you were doing a lot of acting. how would you describe the process of creating a character?

B: to create my characters i start by getting to know them in the literature itself. i'll read the piece, then do breakdowns. i'll look at the character in the context of herself and in terms of the writing. i try to bring a little of myself into the character in order to connect with her. i know a lot of acting coaches will say that you should not become emotionally connected to a character because you're acting, you're not emoting. but for me, being connected emotionally to the character is an integral part of getting to know her and being able to portray her in a real and visceral way.

S: who has been your favourite character to portray?

B: that's hard. one of my favourite characters is Sheila from The Boys Next Door. She was a developmentally disabled character, so she was one of my biggest challenges. even though she was a small role, i really enjoyed it.

S: you mentioned that you're learning to write for the stage - can you talk a bit about that?

B: i'm learning through trial and error, basically. in university i did a lot of writing for the stage, and i did a lot of my own stuff. i write and i rewrite and rewrite again, and get people to read and critique it. i'm loyal to the integrity of my work but i'm also open to criticism. lots and lots of rewrites! (laughs)

S: are you working on a play at the moment?

B: no, currently i'm working on my webisodes.

S: cool! let's talk about that.

B: sure! they've been in the works for about a year now. i really started buckling down on them when i was 3-4 months pregnant. right now we're sitting at about 8 webisodes, but i'd like to have 12. i'm not the only person writing them. my partner is writing, and we're looking for other writers because we feel that the more diverse the writing is, the better it will be.

S: what are the webisodes about?

B: without giving too much away, the series is about a Christian rock band who is trying to make it in the bigtime. and it's going to be kind of a mock reality series.

S: live action?

B: definitely live action.

S: so you've got 8 episodes written, have you begun shooting yet?

B: we haven't begun shooting because we have to cast one more actor. and since i'm in it - how nice of me to put myself in my own series - i have to make sure the baby can be without me. i want to get organized and start shooting by June. there, i said it!

S: so you're doing this all yourself with a crew of friends?

B: yeah, a crew of friends and acquaintances. i'm a big believer... i find that if you don't get the work you're looking for, then make your own work. if there are bumps in this road, they'll be my bumps and no one else's!

S: such an entrepreneurial spirit! i guess you sort of have to be in the world of theatre and independent film and television.

B: yes, because i'm a teeny tiny fish in a gigantic ocean. you gotta start somewhere!

S: you mentioned a career change to me recently, can you talk about that?

B: sure! when i had the baby, everything shifted and i realized that i really want to be home with her as much as possible, so i discovered a company called Kindermusik. and because i have a background in music i thought it was a really good opportunity. basically, it is teaching young children about the fundamentals of music. about sounds and rhythm and tunes. so i will try to open up my own little kindermusik business, and hopefully i'll be able to start doing that in May and be certified by then. and hopefully i'll be able to do that and be home with Emmylou. i think that would be really fulfilling because i'd be combining my passion with something that is helpful and meaningful. music is really kind of fundamental, especially for little kids!

S: where music is concerned, do you perform as a violinist?

B: i actually haven't at all. i guess i could! the opportunity hasn't arisen, and i haven't created the opportunity myself, either. but it is definitely something i would consider looking into for the future.

S: what inspires you?

B: i get inspired by... you know, others... when i look at the work that my friends and acquaintances have done i get inspired by that. i'm motivated to succeed because i want to be validated by my work. the desire for people to see that i'm good at what i do. i know people say you should do it for yourself, but it is rewarding to have people know that you do good work. and i'm inspired by my daughter, i want to set a good example for her.

S: what did you study in university?

B: Theatre and English at the University of Ottawa.

S: did you find the education helpful in terms of your creativity?

B: the acting aspect of it was helpful, because i had the opportunity to work with some really great teachers. Lib Spry in particular, and Peter Frolich. Lib in particular was fantastic, she provided a really refreshing take on modern acting.

S: would you say they're you're main influences?

B: i would say Lib was a major influence for sure. Peter was inspiring. he showed me that a theatre history teacher could go out and give a stellar performance.

S: what are your other creative influences?

B: when i was younger i was taken to see a lot of theatre by my mother. i think that had a huge impact on my life. i saw the actors performing and they seemed fearless. unafraid to show emotion to a large crowd. that to me was largely impactful because as a kid i was very guarded about my emotions. you have this freedom as an actor to show all kinds of emotions. i think that is what pushed me in the direction of acting, the freedom of it.

Becca as Catherine in David Auburn's Proof

S: what are your goals as an artist?

B: my biggest goal as an artist is to find satisfaction in my work, to accomplish my work, to get it done. that sounds funny but, for so long i've been kind of in the middle where i've been prevaricating on "should i actually do it?" and to really get these things going and rolling and established is going to be the biggest and best reward i could ever give myself.

S: where do you see yourself in 10 years?

B: oh god! (laughs) i see myself as a happy actor, with a beautiful 10-year-old daughter, possibly a part of a theatre company of my own, who knows? i see myself satisfied. i'm on the road to actually making the changes i want to see in my life, and i see myself very happy and satisfied. i'm excited!

S: where can people follow your work?

B: we're going to be posting the webisodes on youtube and our own website as well. my kindermusik business will probably be posted on the kindermusik website as well as my facebook. and also, on my blog, beccasitsonchairs.blogspot.com! as soon as that information is available i'll be putting it out there.

S: thanks Becca! looking forward to the webisode series and more performances from you soon!

a day in pictures.

2010-03-02T22:29:00.007-05:00

first of all, i would like to thank Megan, Lindsay, Samantha, Kattrina, Andrea and Daisychain for your encouragement! it really did help and i managed to emerge from my monday funk this way:

-by first doing the little non-art related things that were weighing on my mind. i had this feeling that even if i could have motivated myself to get into an art session, i wouldn't be able to really focus because i'd be thinking about eating that well-balanced lunch (dietician's orders, but i'm seeing her voluntarily, so...) and playing with my cat (i try to be a responsible kitty-momma, and as a young cat she is very active and craves my attention)

-i also did anything else that was sort of grabbing my concentration away from me: the sink full of dishes, updating my calendar, and organizing my studio table.

-exercise would have been a good idea, but i'm more of an exercise at night when i've managed to accomplish a lot in a day kind of person.

-put on some music. music always cheers me up, and my work just flows when i'm grooving and singing along.

-loosened my goal expectations a little. setting goals is great - but oftentimes i then go and put an immense amount of pressure on myself to complete them, which in turn sparks that fear that i can't do it, and then i'm immobilized. so while i would like to report that i got everything on yesterday's list done... i didn't. rather than doing 2 chouette minuettes and 2 coffee cultures, i finished four chouette minuette pieces and started a fifth :) i decided that uploading my diana mini shots wasn't a priority, and my etsy banner and logo are pretty much ready to go - they just need a bit of tweaking, and they can also wait.

and if my shop doesn't open on saturday... you know what? big hairy deal. it will open when i'm ready... and not before, just because i expected to. so there, me! erm... yes... i just talked to myself in my blog. oh dear.

anyway! it was a gorgeous day in my neighbourhood, so i went out armed with resumes and a little bit of swagger... and while i may not have nailed down that little part-time gig just yet, i did talk to some amazing people, and managed to take some photos i'm really proud of! incredibly, many of the shots are sooc (shot out of camera - no postprocessing at all)!

here are my favourites from today - i'll call this little collection:

this one time in Islington Village...

group one: these shots are of the exterior of the Montgomery Inn Museum - an historic site here in Etobicoke (that's right... i don't actually live in Toronto, i live in Etobicoke... and i'm okay with that!)

group two: inside the Montgomery Inn. i don't think they were officially open yet, and i'm pretty sure i was wandering around in non-open-to-the-public spaces rather than the actual museum. but there were bits of history here and there and no one seemed to protest me walking around taking shots of chairs and windows. unfortunately, they aren't hiring at the moment.

group three: there was this amazing cone tree near the Montgomery Museum. i have never seen a tree like this before... no needles, just itty-bitty cones! does anyone know what kind of tree this is? anyway, i'm really proud of these shots - they are sooc, which means that my macro skills are getting better! here are a couple more - skyward shots:

i took about a million of this tree. i am dying to know what it will look like in the spring!

group four: home. well, actually the photo of the blackberries was taken on my way home - they looked so juicy and wonderful and i couldn't resist taking a pint home with me! i have big plans for them: banana blackberry smoothie... i found the recipe in this month's Health magazine :) my feet were throbbing with blisters when i got home, so i rewarded myself for the day's efforts with a nice cup of coffee and a couple chapters of Johnny Cash's memoir Cash. finally... those are my rings. they usually come off in the evening around the same time as my socks, LOL.

wowsers... and that's not even all of it! i met an incredible guy who runs an art studio and gallery for mentally challenged adults. i was absolutely blown away... i will upload those shots soon! i am thinking of volunteering with them - but i'm a little worried i might be an emotional mess all the time. when he was telling me how they were selling their work (you should see some of the photography, omg!) he was beaming with pride and my eyes got misty. they're welling up now just thinking about it!

okay folks... if you've managed to stay this long, i salute you. this has been a long one and i will let you get back to your own pursuits. good night lovelies.